Friday, November 16, 2007

Haikus for Fucking Lice

"Mom, my head itches."
We think nothing of this phrase;
we eat our dinner.

But after, I look:
combing through his lovely hair
with my sure fingers.

Huh. What the fuck's that?
He has stuff stuck in his hair.
Probably some food.

Think I'll trot off to
his room, find the microscope,
and make up a slide.

(Best Christmas present,
I'll tell you, very handy
to have for such things.)

Damn. The specimen
seems to have vanished off the
tip of my finger.

Another sample.
A slide. Then a cover slip.
Eye peers through the lens.

Fuck. It's wriggling there.
Trapped beneath the cover slip.
Nowhere else to go.

(Sorta cool, though.
I can see my son's blood move
through his intestines.

That's why they don't let
me go out much in polite
company. I'm weird.

I find icky, gross
disease states and such horrid
vectors kinda cool.)

Hurriedly, I go
through the instructions for the
eradication.

I beat back the urge
to race to the car and drive
to a pharmacy.

Tomorrow morning
will be soon enough to get
pediculocides.

Barkeep, set 'em up!
Nix all 'round for each of us.
Kill the fuckers dead.

I don't care if it's
not necessary to treat
if it's not on you.

So, tomorrow we
will procure a case of it;
soak 'til we are prunes.

Then we'll spend the rest
of the weekend combing hairs,
all in a circle.

Who's to blame for this?
Who knows? Smart money's on the
friendly neighbor's kid.

So, now we are all
itching with imagined blood-
sucking parasites.

Don't share hats or combs
or coats. (Don't play football with
the damn neighbor kid.)

Labels: ,

110 Comments:

Anonymous Kate W. said...

Oh my head is itching... SO SORRY! What is it with the EFF-ing neighbor kids?! I wish you the best of luck tomorrow. If I were you, my head would be hurting from mass wine consumption. Toss the pillows too!

9:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Eeeekkkk!!!! After 25 years of teaching, I have learned to fear the Lice word more than the Gun word. I will be lining up with the rest of the clan for my treatments. Once I was vacinated of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, but no one else on the survey crew was so innoculated. I also have had vaccinations for Yellow Fever, Bubonic Plaque, and Himalayian Spot Wart, I think. Must have worked, I got none of them.

The Ole RFer

9:29 PM  
Blogger Coffee-Drinking Woman said...

oh. the. horror.

The damn things are in full-out epidemic around here - we've had THREE goddman re-infestations since the first outbreak this summer - I just leave the nit combs sitting on the windowsill above the sink- the kids all get combed once a week whether they like it or not, because I will NOT bloody go through that evilness again.... Squeaks brought them home again two weeks ago - the daycare, very luckily, caought the early stages of an infestation. I think they caught them the day she caught them.... 3 live lice and about 4 eggs... I was left feeling I'd dodged, not a bullet, but a whole bloody firing squad.

The dryer is your friend. Put everything you can in the dryer on HOT for at least 15 minutes - it kills the damn things deader than dead. Stuffed animals, pillows, blankets..... and vacuum everything else. Like the apholstry (that's spelled wrong, but, eh, I'm too tired to care) in the car.

like you needed this. I'm so sorry.

10:03 PM  
Anonymous Christie said...

Piffle's got cooties, Piffles got cooties!!! My heart goes out to you and your itchy loved one's. Enjoy your family grooming time, maybe you'll be like monkeys and it'll bring you all closer?

Makes me itch just reading it...::shudder::

11:06 PM  
Blogger Colleen said...

Not LICE! Anything but lice! Good luck eradicating the little effers.

I think this is the first haiku I've read with the word 'pediculocides' in it. Come to think of it, I think this is the first time I've ever read that word! So nice how it gets its own line in the haiku having 5 syllables and all.

11:23 PM  
Blogger Jocelyn said...

The fact that your first impulse was to make a slide cements it: you're my gal. I'm not even a sciencey person, but I want to put everything in the house under our microscope.

Anyhow, one of my greatest (as yet unrealized) fears as a parent is lice. I read posts about the little f-ers and start to think my kids are never going anywhere again. Ever.

11:52 PM  
Blogger Dumdad said...

I started scratching after reading this too! My daughter's school regularly puts up posters saying lice are back in town. Aaaargh.

4:16 AM  
Blogger Lioness said...

Lice pver cockroaches every time, i say.

Hi. did you know Xyzal decided to have me drugged fro the 1st time ever? zyrtec nver did but now i'm high, poor typing, sorry. i remember as a child gtting lice. no fun. but that you did not post a pic is unforgiveable., sham on you.

6:22 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

LOL, there was a lice scare at my kid's school a few weeks ago. Then she came home, and there was a bunch of stuff in her hair. I freaked out until I figured out it was sand. She'd fallen off the see-saw and got a head full of it.

I love the haikus. And I for one am thankful you did NOT post a pic.

9:12 AM  
Blogger riseoutofme said...

Scratch, scratch ... take them...itch, scratch ... swimming ... scratch, scratch ... to a swimming pool ... itch, scratch ... full of chlorine ... scratch ... the effers HATE it ... scratch, itch, scratch .....

5:54 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Kate- Sadly, I had a beer but not nearly enough to make my dreams sweet. But on the plus side, there was nothing to impair our being at the pharmacy shortly after it opened.

Dad- See? Vaccines work.

Teri- See? I knew you'd tell me what the skinny is. Been running the dryer (and the washer as things were all due a good washing) non-stop for about 24 hours now. Right after treatment, thankfully all the live lice were moving extremely slowly. 24 hours later, we're only getting nits out. Constant Vigilance shall ever forth be our motto.

Christie- See, I'm thinking that a good case of cooties would only make you a better, more empathetic provider. Shall we arrange a play date?

Colleen- May you never be afflicted in your household. Saying "pediculocides" five times a day makes you look smarter in just 2 weeks. Try it and see. It also helps calm morning sickness and gives your hair a shiny bounce!

Jocelyn- And today Colin and I looked at one of the nits I combed out! I'm raising a mini-me freak. I think no home should be without a microscope. I'm guessing that you and yours won't be coming to visit any time soon.

Dumdad- Ah, the power of suggestion. Or is it. Have you combed your hair with a lice comb lately?

Johnny- You said it. I can't fathom having to deal with such horrors as cockroaches. Blech!! (Feel better, soon, dahling, or at least enjoy the high.) Maybe for Christmas, Santa will bring a research-grade microscope with camera mount. Would you put in a word?

Jen- Sand. The great imitator. I'm now keeping a bottle of louse-death on hand so never are we caught with our defences down, again.

Rise- Heh. Of course this is the first time we've not taken swimming lessons in a year and a half. Figures. Good to know, though.

9:24 AM  
Blogger The Rotten Correspondent said...

Not at all sure I like the timing on this one. My middle kid has been scratching his head for days. I looked really carefully but didn't see anything.

I was convinced that maybe he just left some shampoo in and that a good wash and deep condition would help. It did - a little. Meanwhile he keeps scratching.

And after reading your post I'm scratching too.

Damn it. Better go and look again.

10:07 PM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Now I'm scratching and I'm not even near kids! Well, unless the little rat bastards (the lice, not the kids) have figured out how to crawl through phone lines.

The fact that you have a microscope both fascinates & slightly scares me.

10:11 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Julie- Nononono!!! I'm hoping that Gumby's itching is just dry scalp. But, yes, probably best to check again. The damn things are so small and blend in so well.

Dana- I live to scare you ;). I've actually feared this for a few years. It does suck. Royally.

11:37 AM  
Blogger listie said...

I consider one of my major accomplishments to have gotten 3 kids out of public school without any of them ever contracting lice. Not that I should claim any responsibility, it was just dumb luck.

And, yes, we keep a microscope for just such occasions.

Must go scratch now......

8:45 AM  
Blogger PixelPi said...

I only know one person who has ever had lice (or admits to it), but now along with my itching shingles I am occasionally scratching my head and wondering . . . if I should run out and buy a microscope. But I don't know where to find one at 9:45 in the morning. ACK!

9:43 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Listie- That is a feat! I don't do pediatrics but it seems there's a whooole lotta more lice around than when I was a kid. I remember being worried that they'd find it on me during the yearly lice checks at school but no one ever seemed to have it. Used to be you had to leave school until you were louse free but most schools no longer have that policy, you just need to show that the child is being treated as, according to Marvelous Charles (zee principal), there'd be hardly any kids in school if they banned them until done with treatment.

Pixelpi- I CAN tell you where to find one! ToysRUs! That's where we got ours. It's got purple and orange knobs works as a dissecting as well as a regular 'scope (light source from either above or below the specimen) and wasn't that expensive for the quality of the optics! As it's the holiday season, I'm guessing they open by 9 AM. (smooch!)

11:52 AM  
Blogger Mother of Invention said...

Oh, Diana, I was scratching as I was reading this..an autonomic response... a throwback from my teaching days when the lice-checking team, armed with foot long toothpicks would go through my class plus me, only to hand out 4 letters for the very kids I'd just had to my desk, and me with my hair down that one day!
I have never had lice...I was lucky. My sister's twins had them a few times and she said after that experience with her long blond-haired girls, that she really knew the true meaning of "gnit-picky"!!

You did the whole affair justice with these fabulous verses! Hope they get nixed!

3:15 PM  
Blogger Lauren said...

So sucks to have lice. Especially with naturally cury hair. Thankfully I didn't have it but my sister did and I still washed with the special shampoo. To disinfect everything is such a pain.

Of course I was scratching my head reading this. Could there be such things as sympathy scratches?

Happy Thanksgiving!

9:27 AM  
Blogger Udge said...

What a horribly wonderful post! Hope you get the little buggers under control soonest.

4:00 PM  
Blogger Rozanne said...

YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope you've helped them shuffle off this mortal coil by now.

The other day while doing a Google search on something else I ended up finding out that something like 6 million people in the U.S. are infected with head lice. How is that possible? I feel lucky to have escaped.

(I did once have "worms," though, and had to swallow some truly vile blood-like medicine to get rid of them. Shudder.)

11:55 AM  
Blogger Stepping Over the Junk said...

Even though the doc said it wasnt lice, I still think the kids had it. No eggs, just some bugs. They left though. Interestingly, the school had lice but my kids never got it unless that first thing was lice, that the doc said it wasnt. Get it?

6:10 PM  
Blogger Babs said...

I read lice and think

fleas for head!! how itchy; yes

am still scarred by

trip to land far from

here. Their fleas and your lice should

be sent where needed;

the unsuspecting

*cough* hairs and navel lint

of top models, agreed??

8:42 AM  
Blogger moegirl said...

Lice is evil. Allie had it once in pre-school. It was such a process delousing her, our bedding, clothes, I washed, sprayed everything and lived in paranoia of the creepy crawlies for weeks after- Allie grew tired of me checking her head.

Cool about the microscope though...

3:51 PM  
Blogger Teresa said...

Oh my! As a kindergarten teacher I can certainly relate. To vent through a haiku; how clever! I have just happened upon your blog. And just like the kids on the playground, I'm always up for a game of tag. SO...you've been tagged. If you want to take part in the meme, check out my blog.

12:25 AM  
Anonymous yamichi said...

Rotten Correspondent linked you and I followed her...
Hilarity ensued.
Almost got me fired for laughing so hard.
I've never had lice but your post made me laugh until tears flowed. The Haiku structure was a great thing to begin with, but the trip to the microscope and liberal use of profanity balanced out nicely.

Loved this.

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