Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Zombie Squirrel Of Death

In celebration of this beloved day of haunts and ghouls, I leave you with the following true tale, as witnessed a couple of weeks ago by Marvelous Charles on the UW Madison campus.

Seems our hero was strolling to class one gorgeous fall day in late afternoon, when he noticed a fellow human looking with an expression of fascination and horror at something on the ground. As is only natural, he found his eyes swivelling to the object of her gaze and found himself with the following image seared upon his psyche for all time:

A large, fluffy gray squirrel, the sort that gambols around parks and playgrounds, sitting on the ground, by a tree, with a dead bird in its paws, wing sticking out askew, holding it as one would an ear of corn. Fluffy was tearing into the carcass with a gleam in his eye, clearly enjoying his gruesome meal.

It seems that squirrels are either carnivores or this particular squirrel was a zombie and was getting his daily allowance of rotting flesh. Or perhaps he was an experiment from the zoology program gone horribly, horribly awry, released upon an unsuspecting public. In any case, I'll never look at one the same way, again. Nor will I ever linger near one, at least not without a stout stick and a sack of carrion at the ready to distract and defend from possible squirrel attack.

You can't make this shit up.



Blogger Lauren said...

Ok. First of all you posted this either far too late or far too early as it was exactly midnight.

As for squirrels, we don't have the carnivorous grey kind here. We have the evil brown nut mongers.

6:48 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

You've never seen one animal eating another before?

I've got friends that live out in the boondocks and let their 4 cats wander around freely. They bring back all kinds of critters to devour. I once watched Charv (the dom male of the bunch) devour most of a rabbit (on the porch) and then swaggered around the house with his belly nearly tripled in size.

It's certainly gross at first, but utterly fascinating.

8:16 AM  
Blogger listie said...

The squirrels on our campus prefer muffins. You see them pop out of a garbage can like a jack-in-the-box hauling muffins and other tasty garbage.

8:54 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Lauren- I stayed up until midnight and hit 'post' at exactly 12:00. Or maybe I set the publish time a few days ago when I actually wrote the damn thing.

Karen- I've seen plenty of carcass devouring by carnivores but always considered squirrels as herbivores. Guess I was wrong. I'd be equally horrified if it were Bambi doing the consuming of carion.

Listie- Yes. Muffins. Cute little muffins. That is what cute little squirrels should be pilfering. NOT dead rotting birds.

9:38 AM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

NOOOOOOOO! Not the squirrels! No! Squirrels are our friends! They're cute and (presumed) cuddly.

And now I have the image of Bambi eating Thumper. Thanks for that.

9:43 AM  
Blogger The Rotten Correspondent said...

That's disgusting, but I'm not surprised. Really they're just overgrown rats.

Or maybe that's just the ones that live in my yard.

10:02 AM  
Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Or Thumper eating Bambi. Those cute furry things? oh my

10:47 AM  
Blogger Dumdad said...

Our Scabby the cat eats almost anything, plump spiders included.

Happy Halloween!

2:07 PM  
Blogger PixelPi said...

I always believed they ate acorns and nuts. But you know, those squirrels in Willy Wonka (Depp version) looked a little evil to me. Maybe that should have been my first clue. I agree with RC: rats with tails (as are pigeons).

4:21 PM  
Blogger Rozanne said...

That is gruesome, but if our squirrels out here are also snacking on bird carcasses, it would help explain why they are such lard-asses. I mean, they are huge!

Seriously, though, I have a feeling that squirrels are probably basically herbivores, but opportunists when they need to be.

5:57 PM  
Blogger Mother of Invention said...

I guess he truly forgot where he hid the nuts!

7:18 PM  
Anonymous Christie said...

Ewwww....so much for my son's sweet fuzzy buddies.... I mean, I know they're just furry rats and all, but still, seriously, ewwww.

9:38 PM  
Blogger Coffee-Drinking Woman said...

timing is everything.
but the zombie squirrel of death? ewww.

Was it a slow zombie or a fast zombie...? (oh, never mind)

10:02 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Um, maybe the squirrel just wasn't up on his CPR? *shudder* I never really thought of a squirrel being an omnivore before. But I guess the only way to know if he really was a zombie was if he kept repeating "BRAAAAAAAINS!" over and over. Was he eating the brain?

6:05 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Dana- See, that was exactly my reaction. Except for the Bambi/Thumper image, which will now join the squirrel image in my head. Thanks for that.

Julie- Apparently you had them pegged correctly the whole time!

Joe- Yes. That would be even worse. Now Flower would be another issue.

Dumdad- Mad Kitty prefers the gamey yet scaley taste of the larger moths. She will leave the plump spiders for Scabby.

PixelPi- So did I, so did I. I really think Roald Dahl saw the world as it really is.

Ruth- Heh. Yeah. And will he break into the library and start snacking on snoozing students come Janurary, when it really gets cold and he is even hungrier?

Rozanne- Seems everyone is an opportunist, doesn't it? I'm glad no small children were around to see it. That could scar you for life.

Christie- Maybe you could nudge him toward koala bears? Even if they turn out to eat kangaroos as well as eucaliptus leaves, he probably won't come across this occurring in your back yard.

Teri- As he was apparently tearing into his meal with rapid squirrelly delight, I'm going to guess he's one of those dangerous fast zombies.

Jen- I'm guessing he was first going for the heart by way of the chest and then to the brains for dessert. (I worked in a theater when that movie came out. Classic. Charles and I still quote that bit.)

7:58 AM  
Blogger riseoutofme said...

We don't have squirrels around here.... So the cute, cuddly, bushy-tailed, nut-nibbling little creature is an imposter????

Off with his head.

7:09 PM  

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