Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Special Delivery

I adore my job.

Under the title of medical director of the county STD clinic, I just received a box of 1000 extra strength lubricated latex condoms in lurid purple. They are in a large (but hopefully not lubricated) box on my desk.

I'm thinking as Halloween is just around the corner, maybe someone wants me to hand these out as treats to protect against the 'tricks'.

Now to decide whether to put them out in a candy dish at the main desk or hand them out to the deserving in little jack-o-lantern baggies. What would the little elderly church ladies who come in to see us say?

Too bad they aren't flavored.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Madam Doctor Director:

What a treat to receive rather than give. Why not put treats IN them for the kiddies? Or put one over the head of the next teenager who darkens your exam room door. "See, they really do work, dude." The color is just a marketing tool I suppose. Or maybe fill some with water and attack Halloween.

The Ole RF-er

5:47 PM  
Blogger Coffee-Drinking Woman said...

Blow one up and then hang non-inflated ones from the bottom to make a purple "ghost" to hang as a Halloween decoration.

I suppose a blown up condom might make a good scarecrow head, as well.

8:57 PM  
Blogger Sanjay said...

Bu.bu..but what about the whole abstinence thingy? ;-)

4:32 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Dad- Or we could have a water condom balloon fight in the hall? Hang them as a booby-trap for the unsuspecting?

Teri- A contest for best use of purple condoms? Good!

Sanjay- I will save you a seat by the church ladies in the screened off section of the waiting room. ;D

8:54 AM  
Blogger Lauren said...

Someone just recently told me about an email going around where people used condoms to create a dress. I guess some were actually very good.

So you could always wear them as designer clothing.

9:21 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

I vote for the candy dish. Or maybe you could glue them to sticks and make them look like lolipops?

Do you think Martha Stewart has any suggestions on this? Great tabletop centerpieces with condoms. "Holidays and condoms can be fun!" *grin*

9:59 AM  
Blogger The Rotten Correspondent said...

You've just given a whole new meaning to the term goodie bag.

2:33 PM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Oh, goodness. That is hilarious. I really need to see this email about the condom dresses so if it comes your way, please be willing to share.

You could make them into pinatas. Paper mache is fun, remember?

2:38 PM  
Anonymous christie said...

I am painfully curious as to why purple....but vastly amused by that fact too. I vote you hand one out to each and every patient as they're leaving. "Oh Ms. Davidson, you forgot your condom, here you go! Enjoy yourselves no, ya hear?"

I'm also jealous, I never get huge boxes full of prophylactics. You get to have all the fun Ms. Piffle!

2:56 PM  
Blogger brooksba said...

Oh! I love it! This made me laugh and smile. Great!

3:10 PM  
Blogger Lioness said...

Condoms make handy bottles for 10-days-old kittens, did you know? Desperation is very inventive.

Though to waste PURPLE ones like that seems rather sinful. I once saw some that were white with smiling, cute green and yellow snakes on them. Eh. Cartoons for the uninspired, perhaps?

5:27 PM  
Blogger Wanderlust Scarlett said...


I think I peed myself laughing.
I'm holding you entirely responsible for my incontinence.

Purple condoms.

YES pass them out!

Pass them out to every person who walks in the door.

What, you think little old ladies don't have sex?

Well... actually, I don't want to think about that.

But pass them out to everyone.

Great post..

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

6:10 PM  
Blogger riseoutofme said...

This reminded me of the poem "When I am an Old Woman" ....

Maybe you'd better hide them from the little old ladies ...

Dangerous breed ... little old ladies ...

6:14 PM  
Anonymous Kate W. said...

Hey! What about your internet friends??!! I bet I could get John to say that his favorite color is purple! Forget about Colleen, she's obviously not into the condoms! :)
Seriously, watch your back with those little old ladies- I hear they use them to crochet with!

6:20 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Ohhhh, the fun I could have with a box of condoms that size...

That sounds a lot dirtier than I intended to. I was thinking somewhere along the lines of stuffing them in my co-worker's coat pockets. Honest!

9:36 PM  
Blogger Mother of Invention said...

"to protect against the 'tricks'."

Very clever!

Too bad they're not in orange and black and taste like those candy kisses you used to get!

10:42 PM  
Blogger Voyager said...

I once (long ago) went to a blues bar on a first date and someone from the public health department came around to each table passing out free condoms. So embarassing. But at the end of the night...um...usefull.
Spread the purple love.

2:16 AM  
Blogger Dumdad said...

How funny. Wonderful image of you handing out these colourful condoms.....

10:36 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Lauren- I'll have to keep an eye out for that email. Sounds like quite a dress.

Jen- I love the lolipop idea! Brilliant!!! If Martha Stewart hasn't done this, she should. I see something requiring a hot glue gun and gourds.

Julie- A goodie bag of goodies?

Dana- If I see it, I'll surely pass it on. Curse you and your paper mache. Paper mache is eeeevil.

Christie- The purple had me, too. Usually you just see the dull beige ones. At least they were the 'heavy duty' ones.

Beth- Anytime. I live to make you smile!

Johnny- So, maybe there'd be a market for fish and chicken flavored ones for kitten feeding? I like the snakes. Uninspired but still fun.

Scarlett- Careful, there! If I get a large box of Depends, they're yours. Certainly little old ladies have sex, but the very conservative highly churched town I work in would be shocked, SHOCKED!, were I to do such a thing outside of the health department, where they are used to such wanton, brazen things.

Rise- I've seen that poem. I hope to be that poem.

Kate- Maybe a treat for John? Yes, Colleen has no nead for such things, now.

Melissa- Sadly, one of the nurses absconded with the box an hour after I got it. Maybe I'd better check my pockets?

Ruth- Or colored like a piece of candy corn?

Voyager- Serendipity, indeed!

Dumdad- I'm all about the image ;).

12:46 PM  
Blogger Babs said...

Just think of all the havoc you could have caused reverse-pick-pocketing at someplace like, oh, I don't know, Wal-Mart??

Bump into them, drop one in their coat pocket, then later on upon discovery??---mass hysteria!!

Ok. Maybe I'm TOO evil.

11:05 AM  
Blogger listie said...

hehehe - you have all the fun

7:46 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Babs- Oh, the troubles you could get people in with that! Maybe TOO evil, but also TOO funny!

Listie- I do, don't I?

10:27 AM  
Blogger The Rotten Correspondent said...

you have an award at my place...

10:25 PM  
Blogger Wanderlust Scarlett said...

Well shock them then. They have sex, they just think if everyone says it then it becomes mortal sin.
Not a one of them is free and clear of that one, I bet.

I am going to be an old woman who wears purple too... I have that poem on the cover of a journal... excellent poem.

Did you know they've made a theatre production of it? I went to see it with a friend of mine.
So hilarious.
Think incontinence again.

I'll pass on the depends until I'm in purple, then we can have depends parties.

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

4:15 PM  
Blogger Rozanne said...

I like all of your dad's ideas!

Weird that they are purple instead of the standard "neutral" color. Sounds more like something that would get dispensed from a machine in the men's room at a bar than at a doctor's clinic.

Am I overthinking this?

2:33 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Julie- Aw, thanks, sweetie!

Scarlett- I keep thinking back to the Monty Python bit where the uptight Protestant woman says, " Well, we've had sex two times and we have two children." Followed by her husband saying that, if they chose, they could have sex as often as they liked by putting a little rubber thing on his John Thomas, and that's what made their church great.

Rozanne- I offered a bag of the purple ones to someone yesterday, but was turned down. I was even using my serious, matter-of-fact, clinical voice. I think we'll have them for quite a while.

8:27 AM  
Blogger Stepping Over the Junk said...

I wonder why "purple"????!!! I mean, I had a "device" once that was purple. I don't get the "purple" thing. At all.

7:45 PM  
Anonymous Leigh-Ann said...

Give out the condoms at Halloween along with those creepy mini-Bible comic books we used to invariably get from someone every year. Blow their minds, man...

12:03 AM  
Blogger moegirl said...

Hi Diana- catching up on all your posts which are of course, entertaining and wonderful. Very happy belated b-day wishes my friend.

hmmm, purple condom donation to your clinic makes me think that they were "factory extras" and purple was not a popular color. Perhaps people aren't as festive in their sex lives as condom manufacturers would like to think.

11:09 PM  
Blogger Jocelyn said...

Those little old ladies would say, "Hot damn, now I can get me some!"

12:39 AM  

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