Monday, May 02, 2005

3 Days Older, 3 Days Wiser?

Things I have learned over the past few days:

1) If you disturb a newly nesting house finch (that has made her home and hearth over your porch light) at night by opening the front door to let your guests out, she will fly into the light that is your living room. It will take a while for her to find her way out, but she will, being smarter than you are, with your waving of the arms and barking of the dog. All you need to do is just chill and close all the doors to the other rooms, keeping the outside doors open. Take a lesson.

2) If you do not periodically clear out your old e-mails containing all the pictures your friends are sending you of their lovely 6 months in California to make you jealous, you will not get to get the new lovely e-mails from your friends, as they will bounce. So, so sorry.

3) It can officially snow 8 months out of the year in Wisconsin, regardless of what your own definition of spring is. For instance, it snowed yesterday morning, last night and spit flurries as we drove in this morning. This May morning.

4) If tantrums were an Olympic sport, your darling daughter would be invited to compete in the trials. She gets bonus points for saving the worst and loudest of them for the restaurant and the grocery store. More apologies to the other patrons.

5) A bag of carrots makes a good makeshift thing for your 2-year-old to cuddle, as do a bag of craisins, and will prevent more tantrums. Until it is time to buy them. For some reason, grocery checkers look confused as you shove the bag of carrots at them and beg them to quickly ring it up. The look changes from confusion to horror as your adorable toddler winds up to scream bloody murder. Fortunately, they scan the carrots on the 1st pass over the dohicky and the scream is cut off quickly, to everyone's relief. (Note: We first gave her the bag after she had calmed down, not as a reward for the tantrum. Tantrums in the house o' Piffle are not tolerated. Similarly, the coloring book she got at the bookstore was not restored to her person until she calmed down and asked for it nicely. Fortunately, that took place in the car, much to the relief to all others on the planet, except her brother.)

6) If you fail completely in your task of getting the lid of your travel mug screwed on correctly, you will find this out as you try to take a sip while the car hits a large bump. Coffee will not be repelled by the zipper of your coat but will seep through, without your knowledge. The stains down the front of your shirt will be pointed out by your partner as soon as you step in the door. The dribbles will also completely fail to be concealed by the white coat you throw on. So very professional.

And how was your weekend?

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13 Comments:

Blogger Mojavi said...

If I had a dime for everytime I spilled coffee on me in my car on the way to work I would own a freakin starbucks.
may your week be way better than your weekend :)

2:18 PM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

I believe my mind shut off at "It can officially snow 8 months out of the year in Wisconsin".

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

How do you people survive?? HOW?? Canada nearly killed me!

My weekend... Ah, the joys of my weekend. Let's see: I did laundry. Loads of it. Since I've recently discovered the secret of permanent fresh-smelling clothes, I am now severely laundry back-logged. The machine is yet again speaking as we spin. Then there were the joys of skin diseases in animals (path anat), and viewing Under a Tuscan Sun. Very cute. Also read her book a few days ago, she writes beautifully - and now I want to be Italian. Could be harder I suppose. Though it also snows there. What else? I read a Piers Anthony, a Sarah Paretsky and something else I can't remember. I also realised - I saved the best for last - that the pants I haven't worn in 3 years fit me again. Bcs my bum is expanding, much like the universe, only faster. Good thing I picked up smoking again eh?

I know it's uncharitable but the screaming toddler story was rather brill. Don't be shy! And stop mentioning all the wildlife, green doesn't become me!

Also: PIC? PIC?? PIIIIIIIIC!!!!!!

6:12 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Mojavi- I've been looking at my toddler's large plastic bib with the pocket at the bottom. Maybe we should make them in designer colors and sell them at Starbucks?

Lioness- (sigh) October to May. It was somewhat mollifying to see the lifelong Wisconsiners shaking their heads in bemusement, not just us recent imigrants. Wisconsin is very much like Canada, which is probably why Charles loves it so. Do you have a washer and dryer in your flat? And what is this amazing secret? All I know about is dryer sheets. Thank God your bum is expanding, at some point, you may actually be able to say that you have one.

I will ignore the ciggie comment and just get ready to do the happy dance when you quit again....

Adorable new picture, by the way. I will try to get some pics, now that it is light when we drive out at 6am. The llama was in fine form yesterday, but we were late.

8:58 AM  
Blogger Jamie said...

S-n-o-w! Whew. And here I am harvesting vegetables. ;-)

I will send you a couple of photos via separate e-mails once my week calms down a touch...

12:57 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Jamie- This is yet another reason to live vicariously through you. Harvesting. In May. You remember the good old days of living on the frozen tundra, frost bite and all.

2:22 PM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

You keep doing it! "When we drive out at 6am" - YOU'RE BLINDING ME, gahh!

The secret - how abt I write a post abt it?

My bum - oh I have one, I do, believe me. And I will quit bcs it stinks up everything and it's just vile. The baby cat is my best friend's (Tweedle)(obviously, the other one being now of the winged variety)

2:23 PM  
Blogger Rozanne said...

So sorry about the snow, but thanks for supplying me with constant reminders of why I am grateful I left the Midwest (as if I need them!)

I'm sure the snow's all melted and it's 80 and humid by now. That's pretty typical May weather in the Midwest.

2:46 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Rozanne- Thankfully, it didn't stick, just fell. Summer is supposed to happen Saturday with spring Thursday and Friday. Heh. I make you grateful, you provide me escapism. Yin and yang.

5:52 PM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Stupid winter. I hate it. Just got back from visiting Johnny and glorious Portugal and walked outside of the Minneapolis terminal and almost died.

We're having the same crap weather here. And you know what's worse, realizing that Portugal is only 10 degrees higher than us and yet, it is so very, very lovely.

My weekend was dealing with jet lag. Not fun. But there was karaoke.

1:48 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

DM!- Welcome back to the upper midwest. Too cruel, eh? I dutifully clicked on all the adsense spots. Brilliant idea. Of course, we reserve the right to endlessly gripe about the horrible heat and humidity that is coming with the summer. It is our inalieniable right. Right? Glad you have karaoke to get you by. Any port in the storm.

9:03 AM  
Blogger Cagey said...

My weekend was spent holding a garage sale. thankfully, I scraped together enough nickels and dimes to pay for my car's new brakes. You would think the car would be grateful, but NO. Not so much.

12:53 PM  
Blogger twisteddragonfly said...

OMG!! There are other souls out there just as beleagured by Murphy as I am!! Good to know.

4:27 PM  
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