Tuesday, February 21, 2006

The Usual Suspect


Exhibit A.

The crime: The removal of one (1) formerly nearly full bottle of massage oil from the nightstand to under the bed, contents dramatically reduced, top (with functioning hand pump) removed and chewed to small bits (no longer functioning, nay barely recognizable), and anointing of carpet under said bed with an unquantifiable amount of massage oil, assumed to be the initial total volume minus amount consumed by perpetrator.

The police line-up: Colin, Sara, Madison-kitty, and Maul-y pup.

The case against the accused:

-Guess which one has no iron clad alibi for the entire time frame of the crime?

-Guess which one was found red-pawed under the bed with the bottle?

-Guess which one has been found under the same bed with one (1) child's soldier, partially mutilated; two (2) mismatched socks, slimed, fitting one of the occupants of the bedroom; and one (1) plastic coat hanger; each an individual episode and occurring en toto within an hour of the egregious massage oil incident?

-Guess which one smells really pretty with essence of lavender, chamomile and sage?

-Guess which one was observed by several witnesses to be frequently licking her chops after being accused of said crime?

-Guess which one is not remotely sorry?


Oh well, the bedroom smells really pretty, now, too.

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23 Comments:

Anonymous Ariella said...

My goodness! I can't believe one of your kids would do something like that! ;)

Re: matchsticking. Well, basically, (this is a tad graphic) you use a matchstick or other similarly shaped instrument and slide it into their rectum as though you were going to take a rectal temp. This triggers them to go to the bathroom because they want to get it out of their butt.

They don't love it, though.

As far as dogs, we used to breed English Bull Terriers, which are the dogs you probably know as Spuds or the new Target dog. We had a ton of them and always seemed to be whelping some puppies.

10:05 AM  
Blogger amy said...

LOL! gotta be careful with that stuff. it is amazing what they get into! my cat loves to jump onto things, so nothing is safe; and if anything falls to the floor, it's at the mercy (and in the mouth) of the dog.

10:15 AM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Ah. It is a matter for the great detective Hercule Poirot. I am sure that after using his grey cells, he will be able to determine the culprit. And solve several other mysteries along the way.

Hmm. Well, I know what I'll be checking out from the library if I ever convince Keem to stop there. I obviously need my Agatha Christie fix. This is the 2nd post I've read today that has reminded me of her.

12:25 PM  
Blogger Rozanne said...

Although cats are also capable of wreaking similar havoc, I'm guessing it was Maul-y Pup.

What could her goal have been?

2:03 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Ariella- Well, at least you didn't light the matchsticks...We do something similarily with severely constipated patients but it involves one's gloved finger and lots of lube.

English Bull Terriers are cool, I think, not that it matters. They are quirky and have some substance to them. Plus, they always seem to be laughing.

Amy- Same thing here! Mad knocks something down, Maul takes it under the bed, where she can maul it in peace. Symbiosis.

Dana- I have almost all of the Christies. I am particularly fond of Jane Marple. As I understand, Christie detested her Poirot character and was dismayed to find him so popular that she had to continue to write books for him.

Rozanne- Just evil, I think. (If the cat weren't with us, I wouldn't rule out her as an accessory, though.)

3:08 PM  
Anonymous Ariella said...

Bull Terriers ARE always smiling! My father, biased as he may be, says he chose to breed them specifically because they are the only dog who can really "smile."

They DO have a lot of substance to them, but they are really stubborn dogs with a lot of the terrier personality traits. I love them, but I wouldn't recommend them for a home that wasn't familiar with dogs or at least dogs with attitude.

4:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You failed to mention your husband as a possible suspect. No telling what a Canuck will do after football/hockey. I hope it isn't the same on I gave you for Christmas years ago. If so, get with the program and use the stuff.

The Ole RFer

Remind me never to come for a visit and complain about a bit of "bind-up."

4:58 PM  
Blogger moegirl said...

The dog...a cat wouldn't get caught but may be a participant.

6:16 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Ariella- We loves our dogs with lots of attitude, here. Why else would we have 3 German Shepherds, each sought out? (Shepherds can smile with the best of them, I will maintain to my dying day, but then I am so clearly biased...)

7:12 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Dad- Nope. Nearly new bottle. Charles, kids, kit and I were all in the same room and alibi each other. Sadly, all evidence points to one and only one.

Stacy- There you have it.

8:58 PM  
Anonymous Christie said...

I hate to point out the obvious (No, really I do!!!!) but, well, maybe she's trying to freshen up the kitty-poo breath in preparation for her litter box training?

10:14 PM  
Blogger listmaker said...

That is too funny; great post!

10:23 PM  
Anonymous Kate W. said...

1) I was going to comment about Charles not being in the line up but your DAD beat me to it!
2)I have to be honest- the post is VERY funny but not as funny as The Ole RFer's comments. I just spit tea through my nose thank you very much!
3)We need to talk- what exactly does one do with a ginormous bottle of massage oil? Where is the Twister game and the Slip-n-Slide?

10:40 PM  
Blogger brooksba said...

Hee hee hee hee! Oh, dogs are so adorable. You have to replace lots of items, but the stories are terrific.

Odd family pet chomping away at something story: My mom has dentures. She walks upstairs to find our dog, Chip, with a mouthful of teeth. The dentist said this is common, dogs like the smell and taste of the mold thing that holds them in place.

4:30 AM  
Blogger Babs said...

I vote the cat as an accessory to the crime, too.

I had nearly all of the Christies, too. I love them. But now they're gone to some bastard in Queens. Bah!!

And Brooks, I'm so glad you mentioned that. I now know I'll have to be ultra-careful once I get my fake teef. Our resident Beast shan't get near them!! :)

5:10 AM  
Anonymous Ariella said...

Diana, I think almost all dogs can smile, regardless of my father's beliefs. This is especially true when they are super HAPPY and WOW YOU JUST GOT HOME AND I MISSED YOU. So cute. We can't wait to own our own home and get a puppy.

Oh! When we get to Madison, we are going to look at a house out in Middleton (close to Madison, good schools) that has a whopping 1 acre of property and its own liquid propane/septic system. Do you have that in your house (I ask because you seem to live in a fairly rural area)? How much of a burden is it?

7:05 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Christie- Ewwwww! Just Ewwwwww!
(giggle, giggle, giggle) Maybe I should thank her for her considerate attempt?

Listie- Thanks. Couldn't resist this one.

Kate- Blog reading can be hazzardous to one's health. Vat eees theees Tweeester and Sleeeep-en-sleeed you speak of? I no speeek zee Eeengleeesh vahry vehl. (Or should I act shocked and sit here primly, hands folded, eyes on my knees?)

Beth- The image of the grinning dog is priceless! Thanks. Today, I came home to find she'd tried to eat my book. I especially minded as it is a mystery and I have only a couple of chapters left to find out if I figured out who dunnit. Fortunately, she got distracted with the scrap of cardboard that is the bookmark. Was. Was the bookmark.

Babs- NO!!! Nooooooo! Don't say it. They were in the ill-fated storage. Bastardos. May they have the endings ruined, each and every one. I've been amassing mine over 20 years. I weep for you.

PS: Yes, keep an eye on the Beast.

Ariella- I'll e-mail you. Yup. Have well, septic and propane tank. Did you get my e-mail from last week? My server sucks and sometimes drops them.

7:57 PM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

This is why you should never leave Sarah unattended.

11:28 AM  
Blogger JoeinVegas said...

NO, I'd vote for Madison-kitty. Those types are always doing things then sucking in somebody else to get the blame.

And just what are you doing with such a big bottle? Please don't tell us that you have rubber gloves in that room too.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Jamie said...

Well, at least Maul-y pup now has a scent to match her elegant appearance. *sigh*

Re: the consumption of dentures, you should also keep an eye on your glasses. My ex had a pair consumed by a Vizsla. We were told dogs are intrigued by the scent of the high-refractive-index coating on plastic lenses. That was an expensive lesson.

12:56 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

It was the butler, in the parlor, with the candlestick!

(okay, I was gonna blame Charles, but your Dad was one step and several days ahead of me on this one...)

5:56 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Johnny- So, maybe Sara was dressed in a dog suit while Molly, who had been conned with promises of vast quantities of puppy treats, kept Sara's place? Devious!

Joe- Tcha! Does that little bottle really look that big to everybody? I swear it's somewhere around 8oz. The lamp is one of those little nightstand ones. I do think Mad-kitty had something to do with it. I found her on the same nightstand this morning batting down some papers for the pup, who was happily chewing them to shreds. Bad pets. Bad.

Jamie- You know, I removed my glasses from where they used to reside, next to the gnawed book, yesterday. What aren't dogs attracted to? Besides their sanctioned chew toys, I mean.

Teri- Fitting, very fitting. I always distrusted that Mr Green. To smarmy by half.

6:11 PM  
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