Tuesday, May 16, 2006


1. Why, oh why, is cellulite so fond of the backsides of women? Butts and thighs. Occasionally bellies, rarely upper arms. Never backs or chests. And, especially rarely, any parts of men? Unless they are quite hefty men. Seriously. Why the exclusivity of these cellulite neighborhoods? Even slim women have some 'back there'. Is this just further evidence that God is not a female?

2. What is it with my cats and the toilet? You can not use the facilities without a small black creature writhing on the bathmat next to you and twining around your feet, as they are planted at the base of the porcelain? She then must evaluate the deposit and watch the swirling of the flush. Should you be so very stupid to leave the lid up, she'll use it for a drinking fountain (preferable to even the dog water). Should you be so extremely stupid as to leave the lid up after you've tossed a used kleenix in, she'll fish it out and drag its sopping carcass all the hell over the bathroom and into your bedroom, leaving it in the traffic lane for you to step on. Its not just this one, either. Our beloved Booger did the same, lo those many years ago.

3. Why, oh why, must I pick my hangnails. I know ahead of time that they will bleed and fester if I do so. I know during the deed that they will bleed and fester afterward. And now I have 2 festering, initially bleeding, former hangnail sites. With one waiting in the wings, so to speak.

Finally, I think I got the best Mother's Day gift ever. It even tops (possibly) this one (sweep past all the plant drivel, way to the bottom of the post) from last year. First a the classmade card the size of my torso: a still life composition of vase on table with various pasted-on flowers, including a Q-Tip-and-cotton-ball one representing a pussy willow. Then 3 more hand drawn cards, each featuring Colin as a Jedi. Finally, wrapped in yellow school-type paper, an honest-to-gosh hardcover book, about 8"x10", with a mom-dragon and a kid-dragon on the cover (both green on green grass), titled 'Mom ABCs'. Each page lovingly created by my son. I think my favorite pages are M: I've never seen a moose, followed by N: I've seen a nail. Priceless. Amazing. I wept. Nearly. Charles, Sara and Colin, together, also gave me store cards and the new theater version of Pride and Prejudice, which is really quite good, but has the limitations that the splendid 5 hour DVD does not. (The version I have dubbed as the Best Thing Ever to grace a screen. Please watch it some long afternoon or night. Pretty-please with scoops of sugar and candied cherries and extra whipped cream and nut sprinkles and chocolate sprinkles and a microbeer on top.)

Oh. You want to see them?


Here, we have the still life card:

And here, we have the fabulous book. (The mom dragon has red and orange flame coming from her mouth and purple scales; the sky is blue, natch.):



Anonymous Leigh-Ann said...

I'm so jealous! My "children" gave me nothing for Mother's Day but lumps to scoop from the litterbox. One did give me hairball in the hallway, now that I think of it, so I should consider myself lucky.

My cats like to fish Kleenex ("Puffs", actually), out of my pocket. I've got allergies so I've usually got a tissue in my pocket, and now they just dig in and help themselves. Even if I stop them, I often end up with soggy tissue corners. I don't have much trouble with bathroom company except when they're hungry (I keep their food in the upstairs bathroom on the countertop), so sometimes I have a starving cat peering down on me from a stack of magazines. They sometimes "surf" the stacks of magazines. The day one goes in the toilet, I'll be pretty angry.

I pick my handnails when I'm anxious. The outside of my thumbnails, picked at by the index finger of the same hand. It always means I should dig around the house for some coveted Ativan.

2:13 AM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

Oh, I would have cried to! But what is this cellulite thing you speak of? We know nothing of it.

Cats and toilets, *wipes tears*. INDEED! I hate the lid up bcs it's so very unsanitary but also, our loos are European, they don't have that flat raised little platform so you can better see your excretions, the whole thing funnels down and should, say, a three-legged cat fall had first into it, and how else would she do it, she'll never be able to get out. Death by loo drowning, I have nightmares re it. Lid stays down ALWAYS. Stupid, stupid cats.

Liberally apply tee tree oil on hangnails, should you then pick them you'll wish you were dead. Vile stuff.

6:54 AM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

Eek, I sound like some native speakers! "Cried TOO", I mean. *weeps*

It's all YOU'RE fault!

6:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

aw!! so cute!
glad you had a happy mother's day!

9:57 AM  
Blogger Cagey said...

Wow - THAT is a great Mother's day. SO SWEET.

Also, I agree wholeheartedly with you on the Pride and Prejudice comments - I have watched the BBC version at least 5 times now and never tire of it. I even bought the book on the "making of" which was fascinating.

10:04 AM  
Blogger listmaker said...

1. cellulite - hateful stuff

2. at least your cat stays on the floor, mine likes to sit on my lap

3. hangnails - I feel your pain, literally

4. lucky mother to have such a sweet family

5. Pride and Prejudice? love it! and I covet your new dvd

10:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

SAVE the book for your later years...It will be priceless. Trust me I know; I'm a dad.

I remember the Booger sneeking into the shower and watching the water swirl down the drain. Also, the little booger playing with our toes in the bath water after long races. She would wet her paw up to the elbow.

The Ole RF-er

12:25 PM  
Blogger moegirl said...

Awesome mother's day card and book! Soooo sweet. I agree with your Dad- save them! Allie wrote me a certificate and made me dinner for Mother's day. It was pretty neat.

Cellulite- this may be a garden of Eden thing, you know where Eve is cursed with pain in childbirth maybe later writers edited out God saying, "And lo, thouest thighs and buttocks shall be cursed with cellulite and all of thy leg lifts, running and expensive creams shall not lift the curse of the cellulite. So sayeth the Lord."

Our new kitty is fond of watching us in the shower and hopping up on the edge to see what was in there, and then shaking his paws madly to get the water off.

1:03 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Leigh-Ann- Awwwwww. Aren't the homemade gifts the best? A hairball. Just for you. The tissue hunting sounds hilarious! Mad went magazine surfing this weekend. Fortunately, she didn't end up in the 'drink'.

Johnny- Well, APPARENTLY, your cellulite was all wished away by your man-pants. (Like I can picture any on your thin frame to start with, dahling.) Stupid cats, indeed. The sad thing is, should little Tripod fall in and be successfully rescued, it wouldn't prevent her from doing it again, would it? Tea tree oil. Bleh. I think I'll just take YOU'RE word for it.

Amy- Yes. It was pretty great, indeed.

Cagey- NO! There's a 'making of' book out? I must find it. AHA! A mission. I've honestly seen it around 50 times. No lie.

Listie- She used to jump on my lap... Now I can fend her off.

Dad- Honestly, what do you take me for?!? Throw that away??? It's first in line of 'what I will grab after the living, when the house is in flames'. I had forgotten Booger in the bath. She fell in once with me. I must admit I laughed heartily at her discomfort.

1:11 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Stace- Awww. Does New Kitty have a name, yet? And a picture for the blog?

The Lord hath mucheth to answereth to half of useth, doesn't He?

1:13 PM  
Anonymous Ariella said...

Ohhhh, the kitties and the bathroom. Such are the mysteries of life. We cannot close the cat out of the bathroom any longer; she will actually stand against the door and knock on it if one of us closes the door. It gets pretty annoying, but I never close the door anyway so I'm not the one who gets annoyed.

And yes! Why the drinking from the toilet! They are such strange animals... Whenever Maggie does it, Erik calls her "poo breath." Lovely.

My mother had a pair of cats who liked to take running leaps into the bathtub and then slide around the slippery sides. They learned their lesson one day when my mother drew the water for a bath and they decided it was time to play their game because mommy was in the bathroom. And instead of sliding around an empty tub, they got an impromptu bath! Hee!

I pick my hangnails and I bite my nails. I find that it's much better if I make sure to moisturize my hands 2-3x/day. You probably need it more if you're wearing gloves all the time...

1:55 PM  
Blogger moegirl said...

Kitty is up on the blog. He's cute. We had decided on Jack for a name, but Justin's not satisfied with that, so back to the drawing board.

3:50 PM  
Blogger Rozanne said...

Rusty never tires of watching anything and everything swirl down the toilet. I guess it's a cat thing, but why? You'd think the novelty would wear off.

Those are some great Mom's Day gifts! I also agree that the BBC version is superior to the movie version. Keira Knightly's teeth distracted me throughout. However, it does have some merits of its own.

8:15 PM  
Anonymous christie said...

Lovely and priceless...what more could a mom want on Mothers Day? Kinda makes you feel guilty about plotting ways to smother them in their sleep when they've been really really atrocious huh?

I have a potty lap cat and a potty shoulder cat...he climbs on the back on the pot then climbs on me, just watching, purring....rather disturbing in fact. But then I also have 2 cats and a 2 year old boy that think tampons are the coolest toy EVER!!!!!!

10:04 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Ariella- For such fastidious creatures they certainly do some vile things. Funny the fascination with water they have for being so averse to it.

I'm glad my cats are not alone.

Stacy- Ooooh! He is quite the handsome feline! I like 'Jack'. Given how long it took to convince Justin to agree to a cat, I think it's hilarious how picky and invested he is on naming the furball.

Rozanne- I wonder if cats think the same thing about us when we watch TV? Yes. Her teeth. Distracting. You hit it.

Christie- If potty-shoulder cat were human, we'd call him a pervert. I know what you mean. Why all the purring? Is it in anticipation of the Event of The Flush? It can't be because you are sitting captively so you can dispense a bit of attention. At least not mine, as she is not nearly so rapturous when I'm sitting in a chair, like now.

8:47 AM  
Blogger Barry said...

ugh- cats! LOL

Oh well, what can I say - looks like a cool mother's day card

9:30 AM  
Blogger brooksba said...

This is so totally adorable! Happy Mother's Day to you (belated of course).

I laughed out loud and smiled at how wonderful kids can be (as long as they belong to others) at the book. Just perfect.

5:43 AM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Eddy is not a toilet watcher, he runs away when we are going to flush. He will, however, follow us into the bathroom and demand to be petted. He has, also, in a desire to get as close to us as possible, decided to sit on our chests when we are taking baths. He doesn't even mind getting his tail wet for that.

Love the card and the book. So sweet!

10:28 AM  
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12:46 AM  

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