Thursday, July 06, 2006

Not. My. Son.

Our scene: 6 am. In the am. Of the morning. Our heroine in bed, having gotten back to sleep after a slight bit of middle-of-the-night insomnia. The bed is soft and comfy. The cat is curled up in the bend of her arm. The dog is under the bed, making no noise. The husband has left for work, nice and quiet. She even remembered to pull the curtains so the sun didn't stream in, banking off the dresser mirror and hit her square in the eyes, which were shut in slumber, as they should be, as it was nearing the end of her first week of a two week vacation; time spent cleaning large garages that had never been cleaned, stripping the paint off the front porch and playing with her adored kiddos. {An aside: Did you know our heroine has found a task she hates even more than scrubbing the hard water marks off the shower? Yes! Stripping paint is even worse.} In short, she's sleeping comfortably aaaaaaannnndddd the bedroom door bursts open! By! Her! Previously! Adored! Son!

Evil Son: Leaping on the bed "Hi! Mom!"

Our Heroine: "Uff."

E.S: Bouncing on the bed "Hey! Mom! Its Morning! Dontcha Know!"

O.H: "Oooof"

E.S: Leaping over Our Heroine to embrace the less-than-thrilled kitty, her sound and comfy sleep also shattered. "I'm already dressed! The sun is up! See?" The last clearly demonstrated by the forceful yanking back of the dark curtains that no longer prevent the full force of the sun from banking off the mirror and straight into the eyes of Our Heroine, who had unwisely opened them a slit. Huge error in judgment.

E.S: Vaulting back onto the bed, landing nearly on top of the poor disoriented kitty. "Why are you still in bed? You usually are getting me breakfast, now!"

O.H: "Actually, you usually don't eat for at least an hour or more. Are you REALLY hungry?"

E.S: Frolicking all the fuck over the former sanctuary that was my bed. "YES!"

O.H: "OK. Gimme a minute."


5 minutes later, Our Heroine staggers vertiginously into the kitchen and manages to hit the 'on' button of the coffee machine. She looks vaguely akin to Medusa, but without the benefit of her style.

O.H: "So, Colin, what would you like for breakfast?"

E.S: "Oh, I'm not hungry. I want to wait."

O.H: Blinking in stunned silence as the events penetrate her slowly moving mind. "Fuck. Now I'm the one who's hungry. Hope there's a bagel left."

Yes. I let him live. And fed him breakfast. And continued to love him. I deserve the Nobel Prize in Something Exalted. Or Sainthood. Yes, I do.

I know, of course, I'm not going to get it. But some day, he will probably have offspring.

I have a long memory and I can wait.



Blogger Rozanne said...

I love the phrase "staggers vertiginously." It conjures up quite a picture.

I hope you're awake by now.

10:15 PM  
Blogger Babs said...

I recommend noisy toys once he's got his own kids.

Particularly that little ship that goes 'Ding ding, ding ding!! Ship Ahoy!! Ship Ahoy'

If you chuck it JUST right it won't stop.

{That is, until a hammer is taken to it LOL)

2:24 AM  
Anonymous Ariella said...

Ohhhh, that was quite naught of Colin!

I wish I was in WI for your cleaning binges; I would come over and help. Now I'm back in NJ trying to finish all of my work so I can get back to Madison and my kitties and my loving husband.

I will send you an e-mail today. I meant to do it last night, but fell asleep too early.

6:55 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Rozanne- Yeah. It reads better than it feels. This morning, he waited until 6:30. Such a difference 30 minutes makes. Sipping coffee as I type.

Babs!- (smooch! smooch!) Everybody! St. Babs is back from her stint of hellish do-goodery and extreme blogging deprivation Down South. SOMEONE gave Colin a fire engine that I'd put up against that horrible little ship and then back over both simultaneously with the van. Nothing but noisy toys, it is!

Ariella- You surface! It is, indeed, a joyful day! You have Waaaaay too much on your plate. Now, this is the last stretch and then you become a Cheesehead, right? I know what to get you as a housewarming gift, now.

8:20 AM  
Blogger Mother of Invention said...

Rozanne took my first comment! I love that word! It's so "haven't-had-coffee-yet" ...and ironic as you're trying to fix that by getting "THE FIX" prepared!
There is just an abundance of irony in this life, is there not? Even in the little things! Tell your grandchildren this story and do encourage them to emulate Grandma!

Hope you enjoyed a, "Bagelled, (unmouldy!)Breakfast"!!!

8:45 AM  
Blogger Mother of Invention said...

Another irony is that the word, "Vertigo" has been on my mind for about 24 hrs, because yesterday, I was in Emerge since I was dizzy and thought it was a stroke or another heart episode. Luckily, it was inner ear vertigo (BV something ? eyes trying to chase the images of life and focus before they run away again! Need some med for that like Serc..?)

8:51 AM  
Blogger karmic_jay said...

I am sure you are gonna be quite the granny, spoiling ES's kids plain silly. :)

11:18 AM  
Blogger Teri said...

Evil Twin children.
Yes, they are. Mine do this too. Although, the oldest one has recently figured out that if she doesn't wake anyone else up, she can watch the morning news to her heart's content (yes, this is her programmng of choice... I'm so proud)

11:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Memories are so transitory, my dear. Both you and your sis have several "gotcha's" coming as soon as various synapses discover each other. I have promised both of you so much and have delivered only affection.

Your Da, the Ole RF-er

12:41 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

MoI- Real vertigo is simply the worst! Glad it was benign and not something heart or stroke-y. It's often hard to tell the difference and best to take no chances. Bleh. Hope you're better!

Jay- Moi? (bats eyelashes innocently) Never would I contemplate such a thing. Only nice, quiet wooden toys and books. Certainly nothing garish and battery requiring. Unless by sheer accident.

Teri- Makes sense that the children of the Evil Twins would be Evil Twins, themselves. I adore that Pockets loves the morning news.

Dad- Hush. Busy supressing. At least you and Mom had the wisdom to bribe us with Pop-Tarts and Saturday Morning Cartoons during 'those' years.

1:24 PM  
Anonymous Colleen said...

Forgive me if this posts twice...don't know what happened to my comment!

Surely you could have explained to the lad that there needed to be a "7" in the hour position on the clock before breakfast was served and/or Mommy gets out of bed. You handled yourself quite well. Can't say that I would have done so if put in the same situation.

10:26 PM  
Anonymous christie said...

Make sure you're keeping a list of things you need to get even with ES may forget how very very evil he was by the time the his spawn emerge...C thinks 6 a.m. is wake-up time, weekend or not. Sucks, just totally sucks.

10:57 PM  
Blogger moegirl said...

That is evil! Be sure to call your son bright and early on Saturday mornings while he's away at college!

Lucky me, Allie is an acorn that hasn't fallen far from the tree. Usually I go to her room about 10 am on Saturday to check there is still a pulse.

11:56 PM  
Anonymous Leigh-Ann said...

We've got dogs who can tell time. On the rare occasion that we need to get up early and set the alarm clock, the dogs have an internal sensor which makes them wake up and insist on going outside exactly 45 minutes prior to the alarm. Always. I could just make them into stew on the days they do it, because there's no point trying to go back to sleep once you've been up and outside, yet it doesn't stop you from feeling exhausted.

Btw, at least your son didn't wake you up by coming in and talking about poop. That's something.

1:19 AM  
Blogger Barry said...

Amazing the timing kids have...Maybe explain that you cannot get up before the coffe maker does... :P

3:54 AM  
Blogger Jamie said...

Urrrgh! Well, I just got chewed out by the s.o. because I left the bedroom door open and Gracie ROMPED in to see her daddy and find out why he wasn't up and playing with her. So. :-)

7:42 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Colleen- Ah. Yes. The "7". We had a little chat the following morning. I left the actual time open but he now knows that a mom wakened by the loud tones of her son in the absence of fire, flood or mad beasties, is a cranky mom. A mom left to wake on her own is a pleasant mom.

Christie- I figure that's just what le blog is, a running memory of all that needs to be atoned for. You, Teri and I should form a club.

Stace- Especially on Saturday and Sunday mornings! I could pretend to have trouble with any time differences, even if he stays local! Heh. Although I may get to have revenge earlier, should he revert to normal teenaged behavior. I see lots of 7am gutter cleanings.

Leigh-Ann- Evil! Our first Shepherd, Maia, felt it was necessary to wake Charles at 4:45 each AM for breakfast. She'd jump up and land with both front paws and her 110 lbs square on his solar plexus. He'd then make this really distressing "OOOOFFFF" sound and then get up to feed her. He was a psych major. You'd think he'd understand Conditioned Response better. She was the one that you had to spell everything out for if it related to 'food', 'ball' or 'outside'. It's not easy to go through life saying, "b-r-e-a-k-f-a-s-t". You have my utter sympathy. Good thing you've not made them into dog stew. I imagine it'd be stringy and would give you terrible indigestion, at least that's what has prevented us from doing so.

Barry- Mmmmmmmm. Yes. Mmmmmmm. Sorry, I was just dreaming of what that'd be like. Our machine doesn't have one of those automatic 'turn on before the human wakes and fill the house with lovely coffee smells, thus waking said human gently and with pleasant anticipation' buttons. It does make a mean espresso, though, so I forgive it. It was also the world's biggest bargain, being bought at closeout for 80% off.

Jamie- OH NO! You feel bad, he feels bad, the dog, well, no. She just feels the love. Living in your house, though, getting up wouldn't be anything like a chore, as it would mean Breakfast a la Jamie! Mmmmmm. (Had some of your Dog Pancakes, this morning. We adore them.)

8:36 AM  
Anonymous christie said...

Nothing personal, but I think I'm afraid to be in a clue with you and Teri....just a wee bit fearful.

9:49 AM  
Blogger Teri said...

What, do you think I'd bite? I'm a nice person, honest!

9:56 AM  
Anonymous christie said...

I dunno, I can just see you 2 using those secret 'twin psychic abilities' we all hear so much about and me ending up in jail with an orange and purple mohawk and the nake Bertha tattoed across my ass...or perhaps I'm just paranoid???

3:21 PM  
Anonymous christie said...

Err nake = name...damn subconscious

3:22 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Christie- Never happen. Swear. Orange and purple are so clashy. Teal and purple, maybe. 'Bertha' could happen, though. Oh, who the hell am I kidding. I have the two standard ear piercings and no (count them: no) tattoos. My hair is colored, barely. I have black boots...but they're flats. Someday, I aspire to trade in el minivan for a.....small sedan. With good gas mileage and a sunroof. My only claim to fame is that of possessing an evil twin, whom I hope to actually meet in the next month or two. You can't possibly be scared of us. Well, maybe of Teri. She's the more evil of the two. Well. Maybe not. We're from Wisconsin, for pete's sake! We're beyond wholesome.

5:37 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

Wonder twin powers, activate! Form of... okay, I'll stop.

I rode a motorcycle, once. And my hair was orange, briefly, in the earth 90's, but then it faded to a really ugly brassy greenish yellow color. You know, kinda the color of puke. It had to be dyed over. I have Dr. Marten boots, but they're not black. I usta have three holes in my left ear and two in my right, but they've mostly closed up. No other piercings, no tattoos. I like to drive really fast, but stopped doing that when I had kids.

12:55 AM  
Blogger Teri said...

earth, early, what's a few letters to word meaning?

12:56 AM  
Anonymous Leigh-Ann said...

Good thing you've not made them into dog stew. I imagine it'd be stringy and would give you terrible indigestion, at least that's what has prevented us from doing so.

That's what the marinade is for...

2:18 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Teri- You have Docs? So cool! I love to drive fast, too, but daren't due to the kids, the tickets, and the damn deer.

Leigh-Ann- You are too funny for my own good. (That WAS a joke, right? If not, I'd appreciate the recipe for the marinade. Just in case that submissive peeing and the eating of the kids' toys doesn't stop in the next few months...)

10:22 AM  
Blogger Mother of Invention said...

I was much better after a few days of feeling a bit weird, Thanks. What's up with those crysatls in the fluid of your inner ear anyway? My husband thought they sometimes are cholesterol which would fit my cardiac profile and I just met someone last night who has the same vertigo and has high cholesterol! Co-incidence?
getting it checked out by specialist soon so he can move my head around to re-position the crystals!

4:17 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

MoI- OH! You have benign positional vertigo and are going to undergo the Epley Maneuver! The crystals are called 'phleboliths', which means 'ear stones'. You need these crystals because they are what moves through the thick fluid in the semicircular canals in your inner ear. The movement of these tickles the little hairs attached to the cells that line the canals and send the signals to your balance nerve (vestibular branch of your 8th cranial nerve, if you must know) and thus to your brain, so you know which end is up! Think of a set-up like grains of sand in a sea anemone that move with the tide. It's a fairly common problem as far as something to cause dizziness. High cholesterol is terribly common, too. As far as I know, that's the limit of the link. Some stones are made from cholesterol, gallstones being a chief example. I'm not sure what the phleboliths are made of. My guess is some sort of sodium crystal but I'm pulling that out of my ass. Good luck. It's an easy procedure. Basically involves you slowly rolling these things back into place by rolling your body. Way cool, eh? It's one of my favorite 'body stories' to tell patients about. I usually accompany it with pictures, badly drawn.

5:32 PM  
Anonymous christie said...

Several months ago one of my patients came to see me for a check-up, she'd been sick and come in a few weeks before on a day I was off so she'd seen one of the MDs...I asked her how she was and she went off on a tirade about the doc she saw that day and what a jerk her was (which is NOT like him at all). Short version, she'd come in really really dizzy and he told her she was crazy...when I pushed more she said he'd told her she had rocks in her head....apparently, out of a 10 minute conversation, the only thing that stuck with her was "rocks in your head" and the girl was pissed...though amused once I explained the entire thing to her (and he turned 25 shades of red when I told him what she'd said)....Just had the pointless need to share that with you. :)

9:49 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Christie- Isn't it just amazing what some people will hear? I've had that happen plenty. It's always mortifying, even if you've done your part and they agree that they understand.

Now, of course, I'll have to bite my tongue and NOT sum up by saying, "It's because you have rocks in your head, Mrs Lewis," because that's all she'll hear, despite the detailed drawing on the exam table paper.

8:45 AM  
Blogger Mother of Invention said...

Thanks for the detailed explanation! Interesting and glad there may not be too strong a link to heart stuff...although, now that I think of it, I have been having liver problems the past year with raised alk Phos (was up to 786 but no bili. or anything else..weird mystery no one can figure out)so maybe something to relate there??

Was pretty much in line with what my husband and the doctor at Emerge said...(well at least I didn't go away thinking my head was full of rocks! Maybe that babe needed a hearing test too!!)

Thanks! Wish you were up here to practice!!

10:49 AM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...


Oh, you are so funny, you and your commenters. I am laughing over the wonder twin powers activate. Cheesiest super heros ever. And that stupid monkey.

Eddy does this to Keem. She sets her alarm an hour early so she can hit the snooze alarm multiple times (Why? Because she is insane) and Eddy is there the minute it goes off with the mrows and the pawing at her and the wet nose in the armpit. Sometimes I am glad that he loves her more.

3:27 PM  

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