Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Flabbergasted

I think of myself as a fairly level-headed person, but sometimes situations present themselves in such a way as to defy the rational and mundane.

For example:

Just this past Saturday, a mere few days ago. Charles finds a bag of bounty in the space between his side of the bed and his dresser. Sounds great, right? Especially as this bounty is in the form of chocolate. Not to-die-for chocolate, just regular Hershey's milk chocolate, but, hey, chocolate all the same. We confirmed chocolate freaks do not look such gift chocolate horses in the mouth. We are too busy putting the chocolate in our own horsey mouths.

But this bounty from the heavens was enough to give us pause and stop and ask ourselves, "What the hell?"

See, It was a 1/2 bag of little solid milk chocolate Easter eggs. The sort the Easter Bunny sticks in those plastic colored eggs and hides all over the house, hopefully where the kids and NOT the evil dog can get to them.

Pictures for you

So. Consider the following:


  1. We are as far from Easter in the year as you can be.
  2. If confronted with extra candy (yeah, right), The Bunny always puts it in the candy bowl in the cupboard. A cupboard conveniently too high for anyone under 5'5" tall.
  3. This past year, there was no extra, forcing the parents to pilfer from their offspring the candy that had always been their due for letting The Bunny enter their house and rummage through their stuff, ostensibly hiding eggs, but really checking out what DVDs we had that he could hit us up to borrow later.
  4. This past year, and maybe the year before that, The Bunny was unable to procure these little, solid mild chocolate eggs wrapped in pastel foil, and had to make do with the less satisfying Hershey's Kisses wrapped in pastel foil, to go with the little peanut butter cups in pastel foil. And bigger peanut butter eggs. And jelly beans, the good kind. And solid chocolate rabbits. And some chocolate-covered marshmallow eggs. But not Peeps. We don't do Peeps in this Bunny's household. (Aside: I wish I'd been a part of that second Peeps link. The whole damn site is a scream. I wish I'd been a part of it. But then, I'm a geek.)
  5. How the hell did they get on the floor in our bedroom, this bag of Easter candy? The loft above the living room is where The Bunny assembles the eggs for hiding and the baskets o' loot. The kitchen is where such things are stored.
  6. Charles denies any knowledge. In addition to being Canadian, and therefore impeccably trusty, honest and true (It's the Mountie heritage. Go watch Due South.), he found the bounty and, if it were his, he'd just have picked it up and put it somewhere the dog and kids couldn't get to it without pointing it out to me.
  7. I have no idea, otherwise I'd not be blilthering on about this, I'd just say, "Oh, yeah. Wondered where I put that. Thanks. Care for an out-of-season chocolate?"
  8. If the dog unearthed it, why didn't she open it and eat it, pooping out bits of foil in the manner of our first German Shepherd, she who unbelievably sneakily ate a large candy dish of Christmas stocking chocolates and then spent the rest of Christmas Day farting unbelievably horribly and pooping out piles of red and green foil-decorated shit. (YES. We know dogs can die from eating chocolate. We'd put it out of what we thought was her reach. We didn't realize she'd done it until we saw what came out of her and figured that the damage was done. She came through it fine and it now makes a good story, especially when you realize she ate the whole bowl full of candy without moving the bowl or leaving a speck, so Charles and I just assumed that the other had put the candy away, in an attempt to curb our gluttonous Christmas consumption.)
  9. If the cat unearthed it, how did she get it there? She's tiny; not much bigger than the bag.
  10. If the kids unearthed it, why would they leave it there, unopened and not eaten? My kids inherited both my and Charles's intense chocolate loving genes.

So. As you see, we are flummoxed.

Elves?

Portals to other dimensions?

Are we being 'Punk'd'?

(And one other thing: Of course I sampled a chocolate. Silly question, being who I am. It was not covered with that white powdery stuff that chocolate gets when old.)

I'll now entertain theories from you-all, my intelligent and imaginative friends.

Aliens?

Elvis?

Labels:

18 Comments:

Anonymous christie said...

So if you spit out the eyes you're okay right? RIGHT???? I mean, I'm not full up to my tonsils with undigested peep parts from 33 years of gluttony am I? Oh shit, I need a colonoscopy, maybe they can chisel the peep-parts out????

Help!!!

I'm full of peeps and I can't get 'em out!!!!

HELP!!!!

10:51 PM  
Blogger Cagey said...

Frankly, I am discombobulated.

I am totally with you on Peeps. UGH.

10:55 PM  
Blogger brooksba said...

Any thoughts to another bunny leaving them for you to find, defiantly trying to take over September with his/her own holiday? Maybe they're not Easter eggs, but "Autumn Equinox" eggs?

Yeah, Peeps are evil. I can't eat them. I do not understand them in the least.

Dogs and chocolate are not as bad as most people believe. My dog managed to eat a box of Thin Mints one time, no problem. Some dogs are allergic and some can handle chocolate in moderation. Actually, chocolate can help keep a dog regular. I'm going to get yelled at for typing this.

4:35 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Christie- I'm glad you are unnerved by the, erm, resiliance of the eyes to digestion. Perhaps they are high in insoluable fiber? No. Even I can't buy that. Maybe they could be used as a weight loss tool? "Just swallow this large ball of Peep eyes and it will sit in your stomach until the seas boil and the sky falls, making you feel full." You could even offer to label the bezoar with the person's name and social security number in case they go missing and their remains need to be identified. We know the eyes-ball would resist decay even longer than the teeth.

Cagey- I've been mulling on this for days and still can't come up with a real answer. That leads me to believe that it must be something quite improbable, possibly impossible.

Beth- Oh! I likey that explanation! An Equinox Bunny. He really needs to contract with the candy manufacturers and plush toy factories. He needs his own color scheme. Maybe Back-to-School Navy and Red? You make me feel better about the dogs-and-chocolate thing. Doggie Ex-Lax?

8:37 AM  
Blogger Lauren said...

Hmmmmmm...
Very strange, indeed.
Maybe just maybe Charles is messing with you. Look for the hidden camera. Hire a detective to follow him around the house.

Maybe you did tick off your neighbor and now they are trying to run you out of town.

Maybe it is the ghost of lost candy and you are being taken back to Easter past and future to see the error of your ways. You see a Peep is a sacred Easter treat.
Peeps are always welcomed into our home. Little did they know they would die a horrible death in the annual Peep Wars. The valiant peep was perched with his trusty tooth pick up against his enemy peep, the microwave turned on and the war began. They each blow up to unimaginable size. Until the other's tooth pick pierced their sugar armor to deflate it as fast as it blew up.

Maybe....

11:09 AM  
Blogger listmaker said...

Chocolate fairies on a budget who have to purchase out of season candies????

As for Peeps? I think they're gross, but go enjoy some library humor at the expense of Peeps: http://www.millikin.edu/staley/peeps/

6:05 PM  
Blogger moegirl said...

Perhaps, it is the Easter Bunny! He left the candy for you last Easter, and you are now finding it.

Yes, Peeps are gross. We are a non-peep family as well. Esp. since one Easter when Allie was 4, I found Peeps from grandma ground into the carpet and had a hella time getting it out.

9:42 PM  
Blogger Babs said...

Honestly. Does no one remember the Great Easter Bunny Strike of 2004?? He was trying for better health care and wages but the Peeps Conglomerate and the Cadbury Company REFUSED. They tried binding arbitration and then gave him a paycut instead. So he walked. He spent the whole of Easter Day that year on the picket line (and the Tooth Fairy marched in solidarity with him, as she'd been for trying to AGES to get the corporate fuckwits to allow her a Wing Wear-out Allowance for every 500 miles flown).

They attempted to pass of Guinea pigs with those tacky 70s striped tube socks taped to their heads as substitutes, but it didn't work. They kept fucking up the deliveries and eating all the plastic grass (leaving tell-tale pellets with green tails attached in the aftermath).

End of story, the Peeps Conglomerate was forced to acknowledge that the Easter Bunny had every right to a living wage and medical care. And they even threw in 3 weeks of paid vacation to get him back on the job next year. The Keebler Elves are rumored to be in talks with the Bunny's lawyer as they've claimed working conditions in that tree aren't compliant with OSHA standards. I hope everyone remembers this the next time they go to buy those fudge striped cookies. There's a little Keebler Elf in each one of them. And that's literal, thanks to sub-par chocolate graters.

5:55 AM  
Blogger Babs said...

(Can you tell I'm up far too late and WAYYYYY beyond over-caffeinated?? LOL}

5:57 AM  
Blogger Mother of Invention said...

It must be a divine sign from the Gods...um, no Goddess of Chocolate, (or maybe The Goddess of PMS!) to go forth and give in to your passionate cravings! Finally, the go ahead to binge without the guilt! I'm lookin' under my bed right now!

9:41 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Lauren- Ahhhh. Yesssss. Could be. He is now 1/2 Yank, after all. We Yanks aren't above a bit of such stuff. I think not on the neighbor theory, our only neighbor is about 1/4 mile away and we have to scream with the wind blowing in the right direction to even hear each other, yard-to-yard. Bliss. Now a ghost of lost candy, I can see. Poor Peeps. Sent to the slaughter. Poor trusting pastel marshmallow-headed things. (Of course I now will have to get some next spring and play with them in the microwave.)

Listie- Now that makes some sense and appeals to my frugal side. (That link was hilarious. Who knew a library would be such a dangerous place for the Peeps. Well, more room in the car on the trip home, eh? Had an old Saturday Night Live "Mr Bill" sketch feel to it. "Ooooh Nooo! Mr Bill!"

Stace- So, maybe a combination of the EB and a ghost? Potential. I am relieved that you, daughter of the Pop-Tart and the Ho-Ho, think Peeps are wrong.

Babs- Ach! How could we forget such a shameful chapter in corporate/character relations? And how scandalous it was that Santa refused to join in on the side of the EB and TF? Sure, he said it was because he was so very busy getting ready for Xmas 'o4, but surely he could have taken a couple of days in the spring and stood firm with them. Had he done so, with his weight, the whole thing would have been over quickly and the poor Guinea pigs would have never developed all those cases of bowel blockage from all that un-excreted Easter grass.

Hm. Now I'm hungry for some elf.

Ruth- Yes. Manna. The deity I believe in would have had chocolate manna. Of course no one would have wanted to stop wandering in the desert. Here's hoping you find some bounty under your bed, as well.

3:29 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Brownies.

Related to Elves, but these guys (straight outta Scotland) like to help with things around the house.

They like it when you leave them a little dish of cream overnight as treat.

I'm sure that mad-kitty wouldn't object to your caretaking of the Brownies, either. :)

8:45 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

I favor the portals to other dimensions theory myself.

Or, a climbing child who found the candy and hid it away in an easier-to-sneak-and-get spot.

9:27 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Karen- I'd forgotten Brownies. You'd think I'd have remembered them as I spent a couple of years as one, myself, with brown jumper and beanie. Could be, could be...It would fit the evidence. That'd be cool, to say the least.

Teri- Yes. That was my first guess: interdimensional portals. Not sure how these compare to wormholes, but that's another issue. You'd think a sneaky child, once they'd found such a thing, would have spirited it off to their room, rather than bring it into their parent's room. I'm now wondering if Mad is messing with us, again.

3:26 PM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Ah. The chocolate. I can explain.

You see, not long ago, The Queen of the Universe (or QotU for those less formally inclined. Dana to her friends) was craving chocolate. And she commanded the Royal Easter Bunny to bring her chocolate. And the Royal Easter Bunny complied.

He hopped away, quick like bunny, and returned with solid milk chocolate eggs. And The Queen criedeth. And gnasheth her teetheth for The Queen was not fond of plain milk chocolate.

The Royal Easter Bunny, troubled because he had dashedeth his Queen's chocolate dreams, but unable to waste good chocolate, spirited the solid milk chocolate eggs to a place where they would be welcomed (your house. Unfortunately he was attacked by a small black cat and had to hide in your bedroom and therefore could not present it to you with the royal message of Joy and Love). And he, quick like bunny, brought The Queen her absolute favorite candy in the world, Almond Roca. And The Queen was happy. And there was rejoicing throughout the Universe.

Also, I am not a Peeps fan. Blech. Give me my Whoppers eggs and black jelly beans and some sort of chocolate with nuts and I am happy. However, I do enjoy watching Peeps do silly things so am seriously loving your links. A couple of years ago, the St Paul Pioneer Press did a contest where people sent in dioramas populated with Peeps. I will see if I can find a link for it.

3:51 PM  
Anonymous Colleen said...

I think I can honestly say that we have never forgotten about nor misplaced a bag of chocolate in our house. It would be a nice treat to find as all four of us LOVE chocolate!

4:48 PM  
Blogger Rozanne said...

Hmmmm. Can't think of a plausible theory, but enjoy--I guess. How long does chocolate last before going bad? It's gotta be a couple of years old right?

1:04 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Dana- (See how gleeful I am to be able to call the QotU by her first name.) Ahhhhhh. Yes. It all makes perfect sense. And I thank you for thinking of me with your gift of chocolates, which you knew I'd give a happy home to, being, well, Queen. The Peeps diorama sounds delightfully twisted, or at least I hope it's twisted.

Colleen- Neither would we. That's the odd thing.

Rozanne- Whatever the explanation is, it can't be ordinary, I figure. Thinking back on chocolates past, I know chocolate I've had for less than a year has gone all white-powdery.

9:02 AM  

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