Public Service Announcement

Apparently, at my lovely dentist's office, they've got this new thing. It's some sort of powder that sandblasts some of the stain off your teeth. Sounds great, eh? I made an encouraging sort of assenting noise as the hygenist, clad in full-face mask and handing me goggles, set to work. I'd noticed that the choppers, thanks to years of coffee and tea, had developed a rather jaundiced cast. I'd even played with having them bleached or whatever that whitening process is, but then found out that you have to abstain for a full two weeks from the sorts of beverages that, when spilled on your clothes, cause you to mutter profanities and reach for your full armament of stain removers.

Give up red wine? Fine.

Give up coffee? Fine.

Give up tea? Fine.

Oh. Wait. Give up coffee AND tea?

Nope. Not to be considered.

I'm tied to my nice, warm, milky cuppa or three each and every morning. I can give up one or the other, but not both. No, cocoa is not a substitute. I don't want sweet beverages in the morning. No, it's not the caffeine. I've reaped the seeds I've sown by bragging all those years that caffeine doesn't affect me. For years it relaxed me. Never mind that it never gave me that boost I needed at 2 am during school and more school and residency and private practice. Bastard caffeine.

Now, not only does it keep me awake (even a demitasse of decaf after dinner), I get horribly crawly and jittery if I drink a fully caffeinated cup in the morning on a full stomach, with plenty of milk. It also bloats me. The shame. Rat bastard caffeine.

"Much better!" the nice, helpful hygenist proclaimed, her own teeth flashing in the reflected light off my goggles. "Here's a mirror! Look!"

And so, I did. Through the goggles and in the glare of the fluorescent light of the exam room, I flashed a grin in the hand mirror. They did seem less tarnished.

"They DO look better!" said I, and gave her a heart felt thanks.

The rest of the check-up proceeded routinely, and I smiled in my rear-view mirror as I started up the car. Hm. In the dim car, I can't see any difference.

Later, at home, I grimaced in the bathroom mirror for several minutes, imitating a wolf. Nope. Looks the same to me. Oh well. Let's get us a glass of iced tea, shall we?

Yeouch!

And it was then that I discovered the hidden downside that was not mentioned, indeed may not even be something the hygenist had been aware of (and even had she mentioned it, I'd probably have waved and mmmm-mmm-hmmmmed her to do it anyway, in my quest for a quick fix, true blue, red-blooded, American that I am). It removed the scant bit of stain that was not part of my inherent tooth structure. It also removed the layer of calcium or what-have-you that I'd layed down by the 2 tubes of 'sensitive tooth' toothpaste last year.

Now the teeth, they are again exquisitely sensitive to anything warmer or cooler than mouth temperature (97.6 degrees F) and, as an added bonus, to anything of concentrated sweet. Fortunately, it is just the left side of my mouth, as it had always been.

Fortunately, I have 2 new tubes of the 'sensitive tooth toothpaste', bought last year.

And, in the mean time, I'm brushing up on my drinking out of only the right side of my mouth for the next several months.

It goes without saying that our dear Babs is giggling fit to bust, with her movie-star-white 'deeth', sipping scalding hot tea and swishing it all around her mouth.

Good thing she's too much of a lady to gloat.