Wanted: Advice To Ignore, Until It's Too Late

OK. I need advice. I probably won't take it, unless it corresponds with what I've already decided to do, but I need it, none the less.

See, I've undertaken to paint the front porch. It's your basic railing with spooled supports, wood, painted white. It's been about 9-10 years since it was painted. Well, that's when the house was built and I'm positive that its not been re-painted since the day it was born.

It looks like this, if you are really interested.

{An aside. I love old houses. With painted exteriors. I hate to do home repairs, though. Having a house that needs painting is beyond me. All my houses have had siding and I've loved the fact that I've not ever had to paint a house. This porch is putting me over the edge.}

Ok, now is where you break into your favorite Monty Python character (mine for such a time is Terry Jones) and slap me for being such a whiny little punk, because, when you were me, you wished you had a house to strip and paint. Oh, yes! You'd have paid the neighbor for the privilege of stripping and painting his 4 story house! Each and every year! Yes! You feckin' ingrate.

Am I the only one to hold Monty Python conversations in my head during times of sweltering, dull drudgery?

So, as I understand, it's important to strip off the old paint, especially if it's peeling a bit, before slapping on the new. Yes? So I did what any normal, anal person would do, and went to Home Depot and asked the paint guy what to buy and how to do it. He smirked only a little and drug me to the correct aisle, away from the incorrect aisle ("No, you don't want that.") and loaded me up with paint stripper that is supposed to remove anything but acrylic surfaces in "15 easy minutes" (bollox) and a conditioner (haven't used it, so can't mock its undoubtedly misleading claims) and a gallon of standard, non-glossy white exterior paint (I'm dull. Like the paint.) He told me to use a plastic spray bottle to apply the stripper (smirk) and to use a stiff brush (Sold me one as I hadn't cleaned the garage at the time and had no idea that I already possessed an identical one in the corner, among the cobwebs and bits of beetle.) to scrub off any stubborn bits of paint.

Easy as pie, was his implication.

Soooooo. Thursday last, I did as the instructions said, right down to laying drop cloths and shaking before applying. I waited the full 30 minutes before spraying off the loosened paint with the hose. (HAH! '15 minutes' is for only a few things, like removing a dusting of dust from your dust colored patio.) I used a spray bottle. (The extremely toxic shit is the consistency of corn syrup. Do you know how well corn syrup sprays from a spray bottle? It doesn't. Trust me. It dribbles erratically.) After a few hours of valiantly trying to get the fucking paint off the fucking wood, soaking meself down to the delicates in the process, I took my pruned and covered-in-protective-clothing-in-the-80-degree-weather-self inside and had a shower and a very cold drink.

The amount of paint removed was less than 10%.

I was dismayed, to say the least.

Today, I girded my loins, again in hot protective clothing, and did another assault, this time with a paint brush. I figured that maybe the spray bottle technique just didn't get it where it needed to be. So I personally put it there, me and my 2" paint brush. (That I found while cleaning the garage. HAH!)

Again, I followed the rules to a 'T'. I did manage to get pretty much all the paint off the horizontal surfaces, like the top of the railing, but only about 1% (and that's an enthusiastic estimate, let me tell you) off the vertical surfaces.

Fuck that.

So, I posed the situation to my beloved and supportive husband, who agreed with me, that it's just not going to be stripped further. Clearly, the paint looooooves the vertical wood and wants to stay married to it fooooooreverrrrr. Who am I to get between that? No love lost, apparently, by the horizontal surfaces, though.

So, next, I apply a corrosive acid to 'condition' the surface. It's supposed to be applied with a spray bottle and you make it foam. I'll be wearing my head-to-toe hot and sweaty wear, complete with safety glasses that cover my cheekbones. I feel like an elderly movie star when I wear them.

Then, I will paint. I will paint over the paint.

Now. Here is where I need your input, dearest darlings, whether or not you know what you are talking about. How badly will I regret doing this and not, say, renting a sandblaster to get off all the remaining old paint? I need to know, as recrimination is all the better if it is in writing, so it can be used in the future as an "I told you so!" Roll your eyeballs liberally. Recommend products that actually work. (I used Behr brand.) That way, I can choose not to go get them now, but can get them next spring when the porch railing looks like a rotting, anemic gopher's kidney. Ridicule me liberally. Ridicule is a powerful teaching technique.

Let me have it. I'm ready and wearing safety glasses.