Thursday, May 12, 2005

The Benefits of a Public School Education

The Scene: The kitchen of the House O'Piffle, after school, Colin and I standing, having a snack.


Colin: Mom, what does this mean? (giving me "the bird")

Diana: Oh. Well, that's a very rude gesture that kid's shouldn't use. It would get you in trouble if you did it, especially at school.

Colin: Oh. Mom, what's the F-word?

Diana: Ah. That's a really bad word that kids should never say.

Colin: But what is it?

Diana: Honey, I am not going to say it for you to learn it. You will just have to trust me on this one. (I flash to an image of Colin saying "fuck" at school, being asked where he heard it and, being the truthful kid he is, telling them precisely who taught it to him. So not going to happen.)

Diana: Where did you learn about these things?

Colin: Alex knows all about them. Is the f-word "effy"?

Diana: Nope. "Effy" is fine to say.

Colin: So, what is the f-word?

Diana: I'm really not going to tell you. You will learn it someday and when you go to college, you can use any words you like, but until then, it would be best if you didn't, if you don't want to get in trouble, OK, honey?

Colin: OK, mom.

Colin: So what is the s-word?


I swear I did not make that conversation up.

Actually, I swear like a sailor, or, more accurately, someone who went to college, med school, and residency. Swear words were as natural as breathing, in the appropriate venue, of course. Obviously, not in front of the nice little old lady in for a heart problem, but often along with the young guy with cancer and a history of drug abuse. It helped with the trust thing, knowing that I could talk honestly with him. Of course, among my colleagues, the swear words flew and still fly. But not in front of my or any one else's kids. Colin can learn them the way we all did, on the playground, from Alex.

OK, here's a test question: What's more pathetic than going to Northern Michigan for your paid-for-by-your-medical-group conference that most other people go to in Bermuda or Vail or Palm Springs?

Answer: Not going to go at all because your husband's district rescheduled the mandatory administrator's retreat for part of the week of the conference. Also spending ages online unsuccessfully trying to find another conference to go to in July. Actually, I did find one but the topics don't really apply to me and the place is one of those horribly formal places where men are expected in jackets and ties and the women in skirts or slacks after 6pm. I really don't think that is for us. I refuse to wear anything other than t-shirts and shorts or jeans to such things. We all have our issues.

Shit. Fuck. (waves the bird)

Labels: ,

113 Comments:

Blogger The Lioness said...

[Diana darling, thank you so much for telling her. And I hope you know how soothing I find your blog, how smitten w your life I am. It's just quiet and beautiful and full. I'll come back and read the post later on. As carefuly as the use of "fuck" warrants.]

5:50 AM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

Ok, read it. You're hilarious! And this: "Colin can learn them the way we all did, on the playground, from Alex." - PURE BEAUTY! Thank you.

8:52 AM  
Blogger Cagey said...

My fetus learned the F-word AND the S-word during our commute to work today.

They grow so quickly. Sniff.

12:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, you had it explained by your mother at the dinner table while I made some lame excuse why I couldn't explain it. Something about having a bone in my throat, I am sure. Actually, you "heard" it from a restroom wall. (What were you doing in a Men's Room at that age?) At least you never heard any of those words from me, unless you were in the Faculty Room during lunch.

RF

PS: Next time just tell Sara to, "Go ask your Dad". Works everytime.

1:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...and I learned it from you Diana!

I have learned in my professional life that at times there is nothing more effective than a well placed swear.

Gail

2:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...and I learned it from you Diana!

I too have learned in my professional life that at times there is nothing more effective than a well placed swear.

2:48 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

L- Out of the mouths of babes. Of course, the kids will be treated to many a discussion on the "facts of life" from me, enough to put them off the whole business until well into college if I have any say in the matter. I learned in fourth grade from a friend whose name escapes me.

C- Don't they, now. And just a month or so ago, fetus was just a blastula with no ears at all! Soon, you will have to search for your car keys. Sniff. (And hope you are feeling ok.)

Dad- I don't remember that bit. It wouldn't surprise me if women's bathrooms weren't at least as bad as the men's. I do recall being shocked when Mom said she was pissed about something when I was in high school.

2:55 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Gail- I'm so glad I actually taught you something of value. I am brimming with pride.

2:59 PM  
Blogger Jamie said...

I always have to be so careful. I recently saw a friend's preschooler for the first time since he was a teeny baby and exclaimed, "Holy shit, he's huge!"

Good one, Jamie. *slaps forehead*

3:17 PM  
Blogger Rozanne said...

I'm sure he already knows exactly which words the f-word and the s-word stand for--he's just testing to see if you know.

Of course, I'm not a mom, so I'm sure there are issues I'm not aware of, but would it really be so bad to just tell him what the word mean and that they are not considered polite and that he's not to use them?

7:36 PM  
Anonymous Gerah said...

Now, I know/knew many many children with a private school education, and they could cuss, smoke cigarettes and have pre-marital sex with the best of em'.

Point is: Kids will be exposed to this stuff no matter what. Although, I DO remember transferring to public schools in the fifth grade and learning all about the bird and the f-bomb, and I had not been exposed to this much at private school...

8:27 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Jamie- That's hilarious! Charles did that once in front of Colin (Charles cut himself shaving just as 2-yr-old Colin walked by) and for hours later all we heard from Colin's mouth was "Shit! Shit!"

Rozanne- If he doesn't know them now, and my guess is he just doesn't know that the "f-word" is "fuck", he will in the near future. He's actually quite an up front kid at this point. As far as the issue about just telling him, I think for lots of kids, it would be the right time, but he is not quite at that stage. He tends to hold on to things way past when they should be dropped. I'm hoping to save tears (my tears of frustration, that is). I'm not saying he would use profanity as an adult would, he would just keep asking "Mom, Is "fuck" the f-word? Is "fuck" a bad word to say?" literally fifty times a day, Yes, a cop out, but he would also do the same in class, probably. Sara will likely be different and we can have the conversation at age 4 or something. We already have the classic double standard of words that are ok for grown-ups, words ok for older kids (like "stupid") and words ok for little kids (like "rats"). He has graduated to being able to use "stupid" as he now knows how to use it. I know, I know. Weird parenting and I am putting this so very badly. Can you tell we are making this up as we go along? We have this vision of the sort of great people we want our kids to become, but they didn't arrive with the damn roadmap! Finally, yes, you are not a parent, but you were a kid and I am assuming you do not live in a kid-free vacuum. Your points are not only valid but appreciated. Please don't feel that you should't jump in with any 2 cents you have.

Gerah- You know it! My private school friends were WAY wilder than us public school kids, at least in high school.

10:12 AM  
Blogger Mojavi said...

So what I want to know is when are yo uhaving the ever so informed ALex over for dinner LOL ;)

6:51 PM  
Blogger Glory said...

You're a funny, funny writer. Glad I stumbled upon your blog.

7:06 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Mojavi- Hah! Actually, Alex lives next door (our only neighbor) and is a nice, funny kid. I like his parents. His granddad is almost a brother to my close friend. (Whoooo, don't I sound old? Really, I am the same age as his mom! Really! Not old, no siree. Where's the Botox?)

Glory- You make me blush. I am very glad you stopped by.

5:42 PM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

I'm listening to jen Lekman "F-word" - and thinking of you.

Now that I think of it, you should look him up, i think you'd like him if you don't know him already. If you go here: http://www.mp34u.com/songCard.php?posting=1976&by=source

you can download "You are the light", and if you go to:

http://music.colorize.net/jens-lekman.html

you can download his demos. His voice? His voice makes my knees a bit wobbly and he's barely 21! Doesn't feel all right somehow. Curse the stream of consciousness. And I think I'll email you now...

10:30 AM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you! You have inspired me to write something (I have been suffering from writer's block). I can write about my exposure to the evil f and s-words!

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