Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Dog Days

Well, here we are. A Tuesday afternoon. I really have nothing to write about but am here out of boredom and have decided to inflict that boredom on those who innocently wander in here. It is once again 90s and 90s in the fabulous Midwest, after a lovely week of mid 80's and slight, dry breeze.

This week, I am at home. Usually, I work 3 days a week and am home 4, something that works quite wonderfully. I get out and talking with people who do not use the word "bottom" in every sentence and whom I do not have to be constantly encouraging to, " finish eating so we can go play!" Well, some do use the word "bottom" in many a sentence, but purely in a medical manner, not solely for its humorous connotations.

Yes, my son is 6, why do you ask? He can also fart with his hand under his armpit. He is very proud of this. I am plotting revenge on the one who taught him. Don't believe me? Go talk to the guy who taught him to blow raspberries. He will never teach a 2-year-old to do this again. I consider it a service to society.

My mother-in-law is kind enough to be with the kiddos when we are not, but even the most grandmotherly of people needs a break and she is off for 3 weeks to commune with those over 4' tall, sleep in a friend's guest room and show her multitude of friends, former neighbors and any slow moving pedestrian a large stack of pictures of her grandchildren. If you see her, run. Do not worry about hurting her feelings. Even I am not wanting to see these pictures.

Every now and then, as I get my sorry ass up and at 'em to go to work, I wonder how it would be to be a full-time at-home mom. It sounds so nice. Planning play dates and swimming lessons. But then I get a taste of things and realize that, as I am terribly introverted and live out in the bumfucks, the likelihood is that I would have not arranged such play dates and lessons and we would all end up staring at each other with utter boredom after the first week. I then point out to myself, that I could very well have set up such things for the 2 days each week I am not at work and have completely failed to do so for the past 5 years that I have been 1) a mom and 2) working less than full time.

A new pest has invaded my yard, actually 2 new pests. (Hah! See how I lured you in to that one? 4 paragraphs of my home life and then, WHAM!, I launch into gardening drivel. Ooooooh, I am good, just like the guy with his left turn signal on for miles who suddenly turns right.) Anyway, Striped Cucumber Beetles are now infesting my, yes, cucumbers as well as the other squashes. Fortunately, they really didn't show up until a couple of weeks ago and I have lots of lovely squash full grown and just maturing, so the damage is not as bad as it could have been. But still....

The second is cute and furry and hard to be too upset with. Thirteen-Lined Ground Squirrels have tunneled under the veggie patch. Sadly, they have discovered a liking for the ripe tomatoes. Well, factually, a liking for 1/2 of the ripe tomato, as eating the whole tomato would apparently be rude. So now I pick them orange, before they are toothsome. The link says they also eat bugs, so I am telling myself, perhaps rightly, that they are also dining on the Cucumber Beetles and that is why the damage is not as bad as it might be. I also envision the beeltes being preyed upon by creatures from the deep. Yeah. Liking that imagery a lot. Plus, they really are cute sitting bolt upright at the 3" openings of their tunnels, that dot our yard by the hundreds. Truthfully, they are not quite so cute when a plant suddenly keels over from having all the soil excavated from its tender little roots, but aside from that, very cute they are.

I go back to work next Tuesday. Won't you be happy? Perhaps I will meet a yak in a cow field on the way in and regale you all with my musings on its situation in life. Has to be better than this conversation from this morning:

Sara: "I need THAT one."

Diana: "Which one?"

Sara: "THAT one." (waves her hand vaguely at the toys strewn all over the room)

Diana: "Which one? You gotta give me more than just a pronoun to work with, honey."

Sara: (becoming increasingly frustrated with me) "THAT! ONE!"

Diana: "Which one?"

Sara: (apoplectic) "THAT!!!! ONE!!!!" ........ (fades)

I never figured that one out.

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Blogger Rozanne said...

"I get out and talking with people who do not use the word "bottom" in every sentence....


Please elucidate. You can tell I'm not a mom, can't you?

6:29 PM  
Blogger Cagey said...

Yes, I agree with Rozanne - inquiring minds want to know......

6:45 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Rozanne and Cagey (Cagey, take notes.)- There is something about the word "bottom" to the mind of the 6-year-old male, at least the 6-y/o male in our house, that makes it simply the screamingly funniest word in the entire universe. It must be substituted for many different words, allowing for the creation of new and funny sentences (at least to the 6 y/o male). For example: The informative, yet mundane sentence "Time for dinner, Sara." becomes "Time for bottom, Sara!" Followed by gales of laughter and rolling on the floor. At least by the 6 y/o male. Sometime around 11 am each day, I have to put a moratorium on "bottom" for the day. I am a patient parent but my patience does have its limits. "Poop" is another such word. Cagey, you are warned.

8:00 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

Other such words: burp, butt, booger. Note the "b" connection. B is a funny sound to a six-year-old. Just try saying Buh, bub, buh around a six year-old. It is almost guaranteed to send the poor kid into gales of uncontrollable laughter. This is true whether you have girls or boys. Worse, if you have younger children, they start thinking the b-words are funny at a much younger age, but they don't outgrow them any sooner.

10:30 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Teri- I will have to try the "buh, buh, buh" trick. "Butt" is another one. Sara has started to pick up on "Poops!" and I am sure it is just a matter of time before the whole "B" list makes it. I am very sad to hear that early expression does not lead to early extinction. Colin is her hero in ALL ways.

9:08 AM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Squirrels! I like them. They are very cute. Except for the whole eating of the tomatoes. Silly sqirrels, tomatoes are icky.

12:27 PM  
Blogger Mojavi said...

best line...
You gotta give me more than just a pronoun to work with, honey."

6:06 PM  
Blogger moegirl said...

Very funny...I can relate. When Allie was about 5, "poopyhead" was all the rage with her. I would tell her to brush her teeth and she would say, "Okay poopyhead!" and just die with laughter. She also taught her younger cousin- my sister blamed me for that. Anyway, at 10, she is just far too sophistocated for that now...

6:36 PM  
Blogger Teri said...


The scene: 4 guys, JC wearing a suit and holding a microphone, a la a t.v. reporter, other 3 guys wearing British school uniforms. They are standing in a school yard.

JC: Eric, can you identify the larch tree from a distance?

EI: Um, um, no, I really don't think I can.

JC: and what's your name?

MP: (mumbling) Michael

JC: and can you identify the birch tree?

MP: (sniveling) I want to go home.

(at this point JC points the microphone at TJ, who is jumping up and down to get his attention.)

TJ: Bottom!

I was watching episodes of the Flying Circus on DVD last night, and WHAMMO, there was this sketch. How timely. How appropriate. C. didn't get why I found it so funny. Bottom!

9:48 AM  
Blogger Rozanne said...

Yes. "Bottom" and "Bottie" are a theme in Monty Python, I've noticed.

I know just the sketch you're talking about Teri. Hilarious.

BTW: I still like to use the word "poop" whenever possible.

2:43 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Dana- Yes, squirrels, very cute. There are worse pests. I do remember when I was a kid, my folks cut down about a dozen scrub fir trees in the backyard. The next morning, this squirrel sat in a tree above the deck and screamed profanities at the door for about 2 solid hours.

Mojavi- I figure any opportunity to teach articles of grammar is fair game. My poor kids.

Stace- Isn't it sad when they leave this terribly-silly-but-still-love-you-stage. I sort of want to freeze him there forever.

Teri- IT'S! .... The Larch episode. That may have been the first MP episode I ever watched. My geeky cross-country teammates introduced me to it during one of our geeky parties that only geeky cross-country people came to because no one else would have been caught dead there.

Bottom! Priceless. Funny then, hysterical now. Bottom! Bottom!

2:49 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Rozanne- Yes, "Poop" is my most used non-bleep swear word. We also refer to the dog as "Hey! Poopy-dog" and she answers to it. We frequently admonish each other "don't be poopy". I am sure this has not had any effect on the vocabulary development of the junior members of the family.

2:54 PM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Apparently my nephew has learned the word poop. Except that he combines it with book (his 2nd or 3rd word, I am so proud) and it becomes boop.

I can only imagine the joys ahead for Kari and Eric.

10:31 PM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

Er... My personal philosophy seems to be Why Say Poop When you can say Phuck. Nevermind.

The squirrels - oh i have this image of them daintily eating away and then demurrely leaving half of it - I'm a horrible person for I laugh at others' expenses - but it's hysterical!

Oh, bottom it all.

6:33 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Johnny- Yup, phucking squirrels. Phuck them and their little furry bottoms.

3:05 PM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

You mean phurry, surely.

3:41 PM  

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