Friday, March 03, 2006

Taunting Haikus From the Courageous and Heroic Orchid


The Courageous Hero!!! All Hail His Perfection!!

Hah! You stupid cat.
For weeks I watched you stalk us,
Making us all fear.

You with the soft sneak,
Razor claws that bat and shred,
And your sharp, sharp teeth.

But soon, She noticed;
my comrades, ripped and bleeding.
How we suffered fierce.

What tore Her heart worst
was me. Finally I was
to flower, you see.

I'm so beautiful,
She couldn't bear to see me
hurt in any way.

(In fact, never has
there been a more stunning plant.
I'm sheer perfection!)

How to save us from
the fiend? She did not know. She
asked the Internets.

"Tin foil will foil cats,"
said Leigh Ann, while Stacy knew
oranges you would hate.

So, she made us foil
skirts about the base and cut
oranges for our feet.

I'd fart in your face.
Instead I'll make rude gestures
with my long sepals.

What? You heard me? Oh.
Nothing. I said nothing. Nope.
(I hate fucking cats.)

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18 Comments:

Blogger Beppe said...

un peo pi longo no?

10:01 AM  
Blogger Teri said...

Your haikus are incredible, I tell you, incredible!

And that orchid is beautiful!

10:32 AM  
Blogger amy said...

laughing histerically! your orchid is beautiful. I've always wanted to try growing them, but have been afraid since I've heard they're difficult to manage.

your poor kitty! just kidding. mine tries to eat anything nowadays. the dog has been a very bad influence on her.

have a happy weekend!

10:37 AM  
Anonymous Ariella said...

A response from Maggie:

You think you foil'd me,
but think again, for I will
shred chew claw and eat

12:01 PM  
Blogger brooksba said...

Beautiful orchid!

That's cool to know about the tin foil and oranges. Quite interesting.

3:54 PM  
Blogger listmaker said...

LMAO; and I have orchid envy.

5:18 PM  
Blogger Rozanne said...

I'm impressed--both with your poetic talent and your ingenuity.

The orchids look beauteous!

I'm sure the kitty's nose is out of joint. And she may be plotting a way to get around the tin foil and oranges, so stay alert!!!!

6:34 PM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Seriously, this reminds me of Beowulf for some reason. This was great. You are the only person I know who can write epic poetry in haiku.

7:23 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Beppe- Crap. Mi Italiano consists of about 10 words. Babel fish translates that into "a peo devout longo not?" I will take a stab and answer, "Si?"

Teri- Thanks. The orchid thanks you as well. You stroke his ego. I'd say he's purring but that might be insensitive of me.

Amy- You know, I bought that on a whim as it was on "super mark down" at a Home Depot. It bloomed 5 years ago and nada until now, when we get the first cat we've had in 6 years. All I did was water it with plain tap water about once a week, with all the others. Maybe that has something to do with it just sitting there for 5 years?

Ariella- Oh, you crack me up! I won't read your haiku to the orchid just yet. He is feeling a bit frail just now. I keep walking by and saying, "Meow" and he shudders. I'd say he turned pale but you can't tell as he's already white.

Beth- Isn't it? Such good advice from the Internets. I can't imagine my life without all of you!

Listie- The orchid is puffing out his little petals with pride. (The pompous plant.)

Rozanne- Yes. She is a sneaky, vengeful kitty. The orchid had better sleep with one eye open.

Dana- So, Mad-kitty is Grendel? That fits. Oh, that fits a bit too well...

9:40 PM  
Anonymous christie said...

Gorgeous flower, strange, strange gardner.... Funny as hell, but who thinks of these things?????

10:07 PM  
Anonymous Leigh-Ann said...

I'm very jealous because I can't get my orchid to bloom at all, no matter how much I ignore and neglect it. I bought it back in June '04, and it was supposed to bloom "within a year". Here we are, a year and a half later, and still nothing. At least I haven't killed it yet... that's something.

2:36 PM  
Anonymous Colleen said...

Beautiful orchid and a great haiku to tell its tale. You know what your kitten is thinking now, right? Come on, think! "Damn! FOILED AGAIN!" HAHAHAHA! I crack myself up!

11:34 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Christie- You know, I have no idea why I have such an odd life. Talking houseplants. Vengeful pets. Thug deer. Thistles planning a coup d' etat. I'm sure it has nothing to do with a diet of Monty Python and Kids in the Hall. You did know that the orchid speaks in the same voice as the "I'll crush your head," Mark McKinney character from KitH, right?

Leigh Ann- Ah. Just give it several more years (say 4) and if it is like my laggard, it will bloom then.

Colleen- Now all she needs is a long, black kitty moustache to twirl. Wait! Her wiskers will serve admirably. Curses!

11:50 AM  
Anonymous Christie said...

Ah ha! Monty Python explains it all!!!

2:19 PM  
Blogger moegirl said...

Beautiful orchid and excellent haiku (as usual) Guard the orchid. Don't underestimate kitty- she might lull you into a false sense of security and then strike.

3:42 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

Yeah, so now I'm going to be running around saying "I'll crush your head" and smushing peoples heads between my fingers all day. Thanks so much.

(Must see if Netflix has Kids in the Hall.....)

p.s. kerbzgo (the word verification seems strangely appropriate)

5:03 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Stace- Those kitties. Just can't trust 'em.

Teri- I'm crushing your head. I'm crushing your head, you flathead!

I dare you to do that in public today. Folding lawn chair optional.

11:20 AM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

I loved the Kids in the Hall. And I had to read this over again in the "I'm crushing your head" voice. Perfect.

12:11 AM  

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