Friday, March 16, 2007

Fun With Mom

Hey, everybody! Diana's lost her voice completely. She can softly whisper, clap her hands and snap, but that's it. (Don't feel bad, she does this every year, usually over Thanksgiving, so she's really past due.)

If you were non-driving members of this family, you'd have all sorts of fun with this turn of events:

  1. Eke oodles of entertainment as you sit in the kitchen hollering "MOM!....MOM!...MOM!...MOM!..." with the regularity of a pulsar. When 'Mom' finally hauls her sorry self from under the blanket on the couch, surrounded by tea and tissues, to see what's wrong, you smile sweetly and tell her "I love you." Repeat. She'll be unable to do anything but stand there twitching as the conflicting emotions of extreme irritation and sappy mom-love battle across her face.
  2. Smother the laughter as you watch her ram her knee cap into the corner of the coffee table and hop around unable to holler bad words, yell or even whimper. Pretend you can't read her lips.
  3. If you're the dog and it's time to come in, sit there grinning with a faux puzzled expression on your face as she whispers, "Come, Molly! Come in! Come in now!"
  4. If you're Sara, refuse flatly to get dressed after swimming lessons, instead lie Gandhi-like on the locker room floor as your mom glares daggers at you and barely-whispers all sorts of dire threats. Pretend that you can't hear these threats. Ask, "What?" over and over. Unfortunately, find that she has access to your brother's Gameboy and that all the fun is lost from the situation when she sits on the locker room bench, turns her back on you and starts to play Mario-something on it.
  5. If you're the evil kitty, take every opportunity to claw the carpet as you know she isn't going to get up off the couch and stop you and that snaps and claps have no detrimental effects on cats. Make sure there's nothing heavy in arm's reach that she could chuck at you.
  6. If you're Colin, watch as her eyeballs bulge alarmingly as she whisper-shouts at you to JUST GET YOUR SHOES IN YOUR BACKPACK ALREADY AND YOUR BOOTS ON AS THE BUS IS COMING IN 30 SECONDS AND SHE'S NOT DRIVING YOU TO SCHOOL!!! Watch the vessels in her temples throb and her face turn a most unbecoming shade of puce.
  7. After she's explained to you for the, I dunno, is-there-even-a-number-that-large-eth time that she really, really can't say a word, no matter how much she wants to, and that even whispering is exhausting her, ask her what this says. Repeat. Again. And again. As her reserves for ignoring you grow, you'll have to be even more persistent. But I know you have it in you.

Now, who's up for some phone call fun?



Blogger Lioness said...

Gosh, Diana, your family loves you so much, it's rather touching really.

Diana's Mum, I now see where Diana, the offspring you'd never laugh at, gets her fabulousness from - you're hysterical!

Diana dahling, you know I adore you but really, you've just unwillingly brightened up all of coastal Lisbon. Oh to have it on tape! [Diana's Mum? Oh to have it on tape!]

I hope you get better in three days. And your mum is not to leave your side till then. Give me an A!

2:10 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Johnny- Love? Sorry. Now it's you who must read my mind. I wrote that in the annoying 3rd person. My own lovely Mum is 2000 miles (3000 km) away, hopefully well and not blessed by the germs of my offspring. I am drinking pots of tea in her name, though. I sincerely hope to be better in 3 days for it will be very hard to talk to patients if one can't actually, well, talk. Much love, dahling, you are making me grin.

5:53 PM  
Blogger Mother of Invention said...

Well, at least you can still see the humour of your situation! Hope you find that voice of yours soon. (Did you check out near the garden?! You know how anxious you were to go and survey it!)

My cats will take any advantage they can, too, but aren't they still cute??!!

7:07 PM  
Blogger Rozanne said...

Fortunately for us, losing your voice does not affect your ability to blog one whit.

10:19 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

Oh my. If it t'weren't well past an appropriate hour to call someone, I would so call you, right. this. instant!

However, as I suspect you are sleeping, I shall refrain.

11:43 PM  
Anonymous Colleen said...

Diana, I hate to say this but maybe if you hadn't been frolicking in the snow in your bare feet, maybe you'd have your voice! ha certainly haven't lost your sense of humor.....neither has your family....too funny!

12:14 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Ruth- Ah, but it is rather funny. I seem to spend much time the past few days clapping my hands, gesturing and scowling at naughty ones.

Rozanne- Fortunately, indeed. How else would I whine. Even were I to like talking on the phone, I'm effectively prohibited from such.

Teri- You would, wouldn't you. Sadly, I'm not sleeping, now (and therefore sent you an email), but Charles is, thank goodness, and as he'd have to act as interpreter, he thanks you from the bottom of his little sleep deprived soul.

Colleen- Hah! I wondered who'd be the first to point that out. (In reality, evidence says that it has no bearing, despite what our grandmothers said.) My family is enjoying the torture. I am keeping score.

1:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Poor D. I can sympathize. I lost my voice for a whole month last April - couldn't speak a word over a very faint whisper. Blamed it on stress, pool chemicals and shouting to my classes too much. It did get me out of a month of teaching though as no one could hear me and my mime skills just didn't cut it. Hope your episode is short lived so you don't have patients making fun of you as well as the family.

Give the kids a pat on the behind and a hug and tell them from Grandma to be nice to their poor mom.

Love to all,

1:00 PM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Oh, gosh. I love you so much. That was hilarious. And the sad thing is I can understand completely why they do it. I think I would love to watch you mime.

Ooh! You could do interpretive dances! That would make the kids pay attention (and possibly scar them for life). Just think of the fun you could have with "JUST GET YOUR SHOES IN YOUR BACKPACK ALREADY AND YOUR BOOTS ON AS THE BUS IS COMING IN 30 SECONDS AND SHE'S NOT DRIVING YOU TO SCHOOL!!!"

2:49 PM  
Blogger Lauren said...

So glad it's not just me.
Not that I really wanted someone else to go through that too... :-)

8:13 PM  
Anonymous Christie said...

Stay away from sick people, they're bad for your health!! Although they do make for a humorous story for the rest of us. Hope you're feeling better soon.

10:21 PM  
Blogger Jocelyn said...

Even though you're treating this with good humor--and writing about it with something funnier even than good humor--I know there's some suckage in it. I always forget how much I need my voice when I lose it. And how much power my voice gives me!

1:05 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Cathy- A whole month! Most I've had to go is a week.

Dana- Oh, the horrors! Performance Art at 7:35 in the AM. That should be punishment enough for the little beggars. I always regret that I've never learned sign language at times like that.

Lauren- HaHa. Sisters under the larynx?

Christie- They are, aren't they? And never kiss your kids. That's just asking for it.

Jocelyn- The real irony is that I'm really not much of a talker, so if I didn't have small children and a large dog (the cat never listens, so it doesn't matter) I'd probably not really miss it. But miss it I do!

5:07 PM  
Blogger Sanjay said...

Hope you are feeling better. I loved the label on your post, speaking for self I was a very captive audience indeed!

7:39 AM  
Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

This is my experience when I'm on the phone on a 'very important call', and the kids decide to mess with my mind. NO amount of finger-snapping or frantic whispering gets them to stop. But at least I can yell at them when I'm off the phone...I hope you at least found something to throw at your kids (nerf-football, dirty sock, etc.).

11:02 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Sanjay- Much better, thanks. Squeaky but vocal.

Mona- You, too? My 8 yr old son is not so bad but I'm seriously considering keeping duct tape by the phone so I can rip off a piece and slap it over her mouth as soon as the phone rings.I like the idea of the nerf football. Throwing dirty looks certainly had no impact.

8:02 AM  
Blogger listmaker said...

Oh, poor Diana! You could come hang out at the library with me - we consider whispering a virtue.

That reminds me of the time I lost my sense of smell for a couple of weeks. The kids laughed themselves silly putting all kinds of noxious things under my nose to confirm I really, really couldn't smell anything.

2:37 PM  
Blogger brooksba said...

Oh! Why is it in human nature to mess with anyone who has temporarily misplaced their voice? We, as a species, get too much enjoyment out of asking, "What? Can you repeat that?" over and over.

I adore the, "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom," followed by, "What?" Then the, "I love you." That is too cute.

Hope the squeak has become a roar by now.

2:41 PM  
Blogger Voyager said...

Oh, it's good to be back in cyberland again. I've been out of it for a couple of weeks, dealing with some boring medical stuff. (Once you've had open heart surgery, the docs get so damn jumpy at every little thing, why is that?)
Loved your post. I missed reading them.

12:39 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Listie- I always wanted to be a librarian. All those lovely, lovely books. I'd rather lose my voice than my sense of smell. (Hey, missy. Are you just on blog-sabatical? You've not hung up your blog, have you? 'Cause that'd be a crime and some of us would have to come up there and have a bit of a talk...)

Beth- I don't know, but it's obviously cross-species, too. I'm roaring squeakily, now. Nobody better mess with me.

Voyager!- I was really starting to worry!! Damn those docs and their jumpiness. I tell ya, a bit of a palpitation, some vague chest pain, a bit of shortness of breath and they're all, "Oh! OH! We must throw you in the hosegow and stick you with many, many needles and not feed you and wake you at 3 am to weigh you and get your vitals. Gah! Monsters.

(You're fine? Yes? Ticker is ticking? Cashing off to see if there's a post up.)

8:29 AM  
Anonymous Ariella said...

Too funny! Colin is so charming with his "I love you" thing.

Hope you're feeling better. I found it odd that you didn't have a specific example of Charles along with the rest of the family...

9:35 AM  
Blogger Stepping Over the Junk said...

I am totally laughing, because I just went through this last month. I clap and point alot when that happens. Or push my face up to theirs and stare them down. Heh. Hope you feel better soon!

12:00 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Ariella- We have a hard and fast rule here: The parents stick together, no matter what...had he joined in, retrubution would not have been pretty.

SOtJ- The Glare is a powerful weapon, is it not? Glad we're both better.

8:52 AM  
Blogger Voyager said...

Diana, I was going to send you an e-mail in response to your response above, but I went on your site and realized there is no e-mail link there. Ticker is fine thanks, it had some routine photos taken on what must have been an unphotogenic day.

4:31 PM  
Blogger listmaker said...

Computer died. Can't blog at work. Need to focus on finding new job. Family obligations. Planning on returning to blogging when I can.

2:47 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Voyager- I sent you an email, instead.

Listie- Well thank goodness. As long as you are coming back. Fie on your computer deserting you in a time of need.

8:26 AM  
Blogger Lioness said...

So, you LIED to me?

7:25 PM  

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