Sunday, February 03, 2008

Mid Life Crisis

I am an adulterer.

I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is.

See, for decades, basically since I was out of footie jammies, I've not been a lounge-around-in-a-robe sort of person. It's not that I don't own a robe. I own a perfectly fine robe. Its got flowers on it. Blue and maroon ones, if you will know, lined in a blue terry-cloth. It wraps around and ties with a tie and hangs to the mid-calf. I wear it when I'm ill or chilly of an early morning. A perfectly fine robe that, as it does fairly light duty as a garment, is only washed a few times a year and is only slightly rattier than the day it was bought, I'm guessing some 20 or more years ago. I'm pretty sure I got it to go to college, primarily for schlepping down the hall to and from the dorm showers, again of an early morning. So, as you can see, Faithful Flower Robe was set to go through life with me and would probably have attended me on my death bed, should I have died of an early morning, before a shower.

You can see where all this is going, of course. I'm led to believe that this is how most affairs occur. You truly aren't looking. Perhaps you've wondered about it, why others seem so enamored with their robes that they seem to seek out their company. They speak of whole days lounging around together, reading or watching romantic movies, sharing a carton of ice cream, falling asleep together on the couch. But not me. No. FFR was perfectly comfortable, if neither handsome nor sexy. Why jepordize a nice, stable relationship. I'm not that sort of person.

And then, there I was, of an early Friday afternoon, killing time while Lilian was doing her time in rehab (cardiac, not ilicit substances; what kind of folk do you think we are?), wandering around the town's Shopko, looking at this and that, and what do I spy? A table with these young, nubile, soft robes piled on top. On sale. Before I knew what I was doing, I was fondling them. Surely there won't be one in my size.

There were two.

Surely they must be flawed: Bad breath. Some odd ink stain on the front. Dry clean only. But no. Pretty, washable, no embarassing ink tattoos in visible places, and a cheap date at under $ 20. Before I knew it, I had chatted him up, plopped him in the cart, whisked him home, washed him (who knows whose grubby hands had been on him before I found him?) and, before dinner was even thought of, I was wrapped in his arms. And since then, I've looked for any excuse to curl up with him. Instead of a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, when I come home, it's straight for him. He's had to be washed twice in two weeks after two unrelated food incidents marred his good looks, and he just gets softer. I find that wearing him over sweats just isn't nearly good enough and have taken to wearing shorts and a t-shirt in Wisconsin in January, so I can feel him snuggly 'round my arms and legs. If I lived alone, I'm sure I'd wear even less, channeling that wretched Brooke Shields / Calvin Klein ad from 20 years ago, "Nothing comes between me and my {obscenely soft robe}."

And the worst of this? Where have I installed Obscenely Soft Robe? In my closet, on the same hook as Faithful Flower Robe. FFR has to know about us, despite my tale of telling him that OSR and I are just friends and that I'm doing OSR a favor by spending time with him when I'd clearly rather be with FFR. I mean, they must talk, mustn't they? The sweaters on the facing shelf must also be aware, them and the shoes (such a clique-y bunch, the shoes) which means the rest of the closet knows. How can FFR hold his head up? I should do the right thing and just end it all, once and for all, with OSR, but here I am, on the couch, wrapped in his soft embrace and I know I'm not strong enough. Plus, I can't return him. I've lived in him for two weeks and I'm pretty sure I've (ahem) lost the reciept.

But there may be another side to this, which occurred to me as I saw them together this morning, sharing a hook, sleeve-by-sleeve. I wonder if OSR may possibly be sharing his affections when I'm not around.

If so, I don't want to know.

Pictures for you

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22 Comments:

Anonymous Kate W. said...

We just got home from our baptism extravaganza and I asked John- "Are we going anywhere?" I had already donned my trusty white robe before he answered "No" Love-love-love my soft robe.

4:50 PM  
Blogger listie said...

Too funny!

I recently bought my own OSR - in purple. Being a rather large woman, I resemble a certain purple dinosaur. But who cares? It's soft; it's comfy; it's warm!

Unfortunately, unlike FFR, I had to put down my old robe, the one I bought umpteen years ago to go a-birthin' my children. I still haven't gotten over the guilt.

6:55 PM  
Blogger Jocelyn said...

Well, you've hardly given them a choice, have you?

The lot of you all need some counseling. I have a well-qualified pair of track pants that can give excellent advice, based on personal experience.

12:38 AM  
Blogger Lioness said...

Unintentionally, I turned on the telly and left it on the news and they registered. Seems like everyone is drving off bridges and drowning,or capsising thir boats and drowning, or getting lost in the snow-blizzardy mountains and disappearing and all this in abt 5 min so - VERY MUCH IN NEED OF TERRY CLOTH LOVE, I AM!

I used to wear robes but I haven't in almost 2 decades, I change my clothes into comfy soft ones the moment I walk in and am good. The robe is too open, so cold air sneaks in and mocks me and turns it into a minor hypothermic experiment of sorts. I love that you have an OSR to luxuriate in, though this: have taken to wearing shorts and a t-shirt in Wisconsin in January, so I can feel him snuggly 'round my arms and legs., of course, once again reminded me of why Anglos rule the world, you lot are invincible. Now I too want to wear an OSR with bare limbs! You're mean.

3:39 AM  
Blogger The Rotten Correspondent said...

You might get lucky and they'll breed. Then you might have an obscenely soft faithful flowered robe. And hopefully no hurt feelings.

Also, totally off subject, I read your Marmite reply on Dumdad's blog. If you have a World Market near you they carry Marmite. They all have a big British foods section and the vile brown stuff is one of the contenders.

Just don't say I didn't warn you.

10:54 AM  
Blogger Lauren said...

In November I purchased my own OSR and Belle keeps trying to sleep with it. I don't normally walk around with my robe on but when it has been cold I have been known to skip around the house in it. Of course this always draws strange looks but I don't care. It is soft and warm and oh man, now I just want to go home and put it on...

12:16 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Kate- Sometimes he's a smart man, that John.

Listie- FFR has had its share of baby barf and the rest on it. Perhaps that's why I can't imagine at this point giving it up.

Jocelyn- So these track pants, are they licensed? I'll see where my benefits stand on counselling and what my co-pay is. (I'm guessing FFR and OSR are counted as dependents and are, therefore, covered.)

Johnny- How about OSS (Obscenely Soft Sweats)? The flapping around business of robes puts me off, but OSS is so mind-bogglingly soft that even this I forgive, wrapping it ever tighter around myself. We lot are not invincible; we lot are touched in the head.

RC- Now THAT'S the idea! Tonight I'll make sure the closet light is off and soft music drifts under the door...
We do have a World Market up in Madison, where I stop a few times a year to stock up on jam and scone mix and such. Thanks! I'll hunt it down. I usually get too distracted by all the candies of the world.

Lauren- Sara has her own OSR but I've not found one for Colin. I'm wanting mine, too, but I think the clinic would frown on it. Perhaps I could pass it off as a very long white lab coat???

1:31 PM  
Blogger Dumdad said...

I believe Neil Diamond wrote a song about your situation:

Love on the robes
Ain't no surprise
Pour me a drink
And I'll tell you some lies
Got nothin' to lose
So you just sing the blues all the time

2:20 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Dumdad- Is there anything that doesn't have a Neil Diamond song to fit? Now I'll be humming your new improved song for the rest of the afternoon and then perhaps break into a chorus of "Red, Red Robes". (robes, rocks; same difference)

4:14 PM  
Anonymous The Ole RF-er said...

I just noticed that I still have the leopard spotted terry robe your mother made for me when you were first born. It is quite stained and will never wash clean, but it looks nice hanging in my front closet by the front door by my Pendleton robe from your grandma and the Chinese silk robe for Cathy. As you can see, I am not really into robes when there are nice sweats and t-shirts around.

The Ole RF-er

6:19 PM  
Blogger Sweet Irene said...

My daughter just bought me a new red bathrobe for Christmas and I tossed out the old one as fast as I could, without any sentiment.

I love this new red one and I wear it at every opportunity. In fact, I would like to live in it and be buried in it.

But I know that, somewhere down the line, there will be other bathrobes that I will love equally well, if not more. I am fickle that way.

10:23 PM  
Blogger Teresa said...

Now this here post has a title that should have a site meter attached!
My husband bought me a very silky kimono style robe a couple years back and that is just fine for summer. But it gets nowhere near the wear and affection that my hot pink OSR does in winter.

11:39 PM  
Blogger Lioness said...

"We lot are not invincible; we lot are touched in the head."

Word.

3:30 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Dad- Hm. Robes of women you have loved. What would Freud say?

Sweet Irene- Well a big, happy "Hello" to you. (Like one of those large parties--I know of you from our mutual friends.) Red is good for the soul. I applaud new, red robe.

Teresa- Heh. Yeah. 99% pervs, 1% blog friends. Think I'll just keep my big ol' ostrich head in the sand and pretend it's no one but friends stopping by this nice, if occasionally foul-mouthed blog.

Johnny- I knew you'd agree.

8:24 AM  
Blogger Cagey said...

I have had similar relationships with robes in my past. LOL

10:08 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

I love when you write like this. I bought my robe when I was pregnant with TFYO. I still have it, and it's way too big for me when I'm not pregnant, but I adore it in all its soft, squishy pinkness. Don't feel bad about FFR, it happens to all of us at one time or another.

12:10 PM  
Anonymous Christie said...

Oh, you cheater, the shame!!!!! How can you raise your children in a house with this nastiness in the next room!!!! Shame on you, shame, shame, shame!

10:20 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Cagey- Now I know what everyone else is talking about.

Jen- I'm guessing you're revelling in it's squishiness right now!

Christie- I know! Call DCFS!

7:28 AM  
Blogger Rozanne said...

I'd ditch FFR, without feeling guilty. OSR is clearly superior (it looks like one of those robes they give you at posh spas), and c'mon FFR is ready to be retired anyway. No need to feel guilty!

1:20 PM  
Blogger Mother of Invention said...

Well, as long as you don't sleep with OSR, you're technically not cheating!

Fun post, Diana!

9:51 AM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

I love these posts!

I do not have an OSR or a FFR. I am not fond of robes but I do like big pink nightgowns that I can dance around freely in (and when I say free, I mean in the nothing comes between me and my big pink nightgown). Or tanks and capris.

There are many of them and they are not jealous of each other because they're never quite sure what will happen to them - whether it's goin to be the food spills or the hair dying incidents. Poor babies.

12:46 AM  
Blogger amymalia said...

I have a few pair of boots that I suspected of the same. Imagine my surprise when I realized instead that it wasn't a fray between the glamorous new Ugg and the trusty old Sorrell but in fact the ballet flat and the knee high boot. (!)

Oh. The scandal. I had to completely rearrange the entire shoe shelf organization plan. The running shoes were catatonic for weeks and the mid-to-low professional heels are still in therapy from it all.

7:38 PM  

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