Monday, August 08, 2005


Some things I would like to know:

1) Why did the giant super economy sized "jug-o-value" of liquid laundry detergent decide to leak about a pint of slippery blue detergent all over the bottom of the drawer of the plastic rolling cart in which it resides? A place it has happily sat for over a year, being used sporadically, say every several months. A place where it has rested, on its side, (admittedly not the best of arrangements but the only one that would allow it to both be in the drawer and allow the drawer to be shut) undisturbed for several months. I only use the messy stuff if there is something large and biohazardy that needs getting out, like one of Colin's patented giant economy-sized nose bleeds. Not being happy merely with mucking up the drawer and coating its neighboring laundry treating agents with blue goo, it then trickled out the little opening that was in the bottom of the drawer and all over the floor of the laundry room. Why was the drawer manufactured with a hole in the bottom, in the first place? Oddly, when I examined the cap, it was still tightly in place. The last time I was in that drawer? Why 12 hours ago, and all was quiet on the Western Front, let me tell you. So. Which is it? Pixies, elves or poltergeists?

2) Why in this age of genetic engineering and designer crops has no one done the obvious? Why are zucchini and cucumbers the same shape and color as their foliage? These things were meant to be picked and consumed, not eventually stumbled across when they are the size and succulence of a medium-sized American car. At that point, they are only good for consignment to the compost pile. Actually, come to think of it, I'm now not so sure it is wise to put these vehicle-sized and obviously cloaking-device endowed vegetables out in the midst of the primordial soup that is my compost pile. Besides, they might get ideas from the thistles that lurk there. What to do? What to do?

3) As long as we are on the subject of vegetables that obviously do not want to do their duty and be picked for my consumption, why are zucchini and such endowed with razor wire for leaves? This is not helpful. This does not make the eater of the fruiting body and, in the days of pooping (hah! use of the word "poop") in the woods, the spreader of the seeds, WANT to go foraging amongst the leaves. If they can breed thornless blackberries, surely they can remove the needles from these crops as well.

4) How can someone whose stomach is literally the size of an apricot manage to eat a pile of chicken, a large piece of bread and butter, a bowl of salad, 3 cartons of yoghurt, a whole graham cracker and 2 cups of milk in one sitting? The real question: Should I even bother to buy her clothes in the next size up or just skip to the size after that? Actually, the question is rhetoric as I pretty much just buy every-other-size until they hit kindergarten, anyway.

OK, that's about it. I don't need correct answers people, just answers.



Blogger The Lioness said...

1) Once upon a time there was a nymph that lived in a pond. She was bored silly bcs the pond had nothing but ducks, and not even green ones at that. One night she got absolutely fed up w it all and said Bugger It All! (but lady-like for she was a nymph) and decided to make it to Hollywood. If Daryl hannah could, so could she! Alas, nymphs are renowned for their poor orientation skills and she took a wrong turn and ended up sharing a... a... well, a small hole in theground really, filled with mud and - good grief, a llama! Nymphs do not cavort with llamas as everyone who's ever read the Nymphal Regulation Book will tell you. Honestly, it's quite bizarre that the word nymphomaniac even exists for Nymphs have a remarkably low sex drive, especially inter-species. Well now, llama, mud, royally pissed off nymph. She marched off in a phury, squashing many a squirrel in her wake, and ended up in some place that smelt of clothes conditioner and folding movements. Surely no nymph should be subjected to that! Nymphs have small teeth, yes, but ever since that nymph in the XVIII century was an exchange student w the pygmies, they are filed and razor-sharp. What better way to exact revenge upon fate than use said dental apparatus to savagely bite through whatever was handy? Jug-o-value it was, hell knows no phury... Travellers and home-owners advised to use caution when slipping into bed. Nymphs fancy pillow filling very very much.

2 and 3) I've just realised I have never EVER seen a cucumber or a zucchini w foliage. But I've seen beets, do beets count??

4) Please view my Going Dutch post for stomach size vs ingested portion. I dare say children have faster acting stomach juices and therefore avoid the following and hours-lasting nauseal gags.

3:57 PM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

5) Where do spelling and proper phrasal constructions go for a holiday? Would love to see mine again.

4:00 PM  
Blogger Mojavi said...

1)pixies def. pixies. No reason just a guess.

3) Hmmm I suppose if as many people ate zucchini as much as they eat black rasberries they would have a scientist working on that issue, however since only the vegetabler diehards actually eat it, they figure "why bother" I however love it..

Those are the only ones I have a clue on :)

4:12 PM  
Blogger Rozanne said...

I'm stumped, those are some darn good questions. It is a good thing they were never on any important final exam I took because I would have flunked and never graduated.

I am particularly glad I don't have to deal with the consquences of #1. I hate trying to clean up an endlessly oozing mess.

6:54 PM  
Blogger moegirl said...

1. The same creatures that take one sock of the pair somewhere between the washer and dryer may be responsible since it did occur in the laundry room. They may be vandals as well as theives.

2 and 3 I don't know much about gardening/plants. Have a black thumb- exposure to me is sure death for living plants.

4. Isn't that amazing! Yes, my daughter too can out-eat an NFL linebacker, though she is quite slender. Do children have hollow legs? That is the only explanation I can think of to pack all that food into their tiny bodies. It is very hard to predict how to go with clothes. I usually go a little larger, also a little stretchier to get more than 3 months wear out of clothes for her.

8:11 PM  
Anonymous Gerah said...

Wow. It seems our children are much alike when it comes to eating. I hate to have to cut her off, but GEEZE the kid can eat...

9:09 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

The answer to (1) and (3)
Once upon a time, long long ago, there were two forces, one good and one evil, and they fought a heroic battle. The good force won, but was badly injured, so the evil force was not vanquished, but merely exiled to a smallish blue planet in the third position from its sun. On this planet the evil force proceed to force mutations in the native flora, intended solely to irritate the native fauna. When the evil force got bored with the mutation thing, it proceeded to circle the planet looking for ways to irritate the fauna. Having noted that giant messes were sure to irritate the two-legged hairless ones, it made as many of those as it could.

The answer to (2)
Sneak out in the middle of the night and dump them in the school parking lot instead of putting them in your compost pile. It's safer that way. Don't be seen.

The answer to (4)
It's akin to what bears do before they hibernate. For the years between age 4 and age 6 all she'll eat will be crayons and boogers, which she will call "bottom," so she has to load up on 3 years worth of nutrition to get her through.

10:28 PM  
Blogger Jamie said...

Hah! Melon-sized cucumbers...lurking...

You can't miss a day, and even then, you'll miss one and it will suddenly be a vegetable football.

They do make both of those veg. in "safety" yellow, BTW. But for some unknown reason, I prefer green.

7:57 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Everybody- Marvelous! I see now! I will be able to sleep like, well, not a baby, obviously, as babies don't sleep, as Teri knows, but sleep I will.

Johnny- Brilliant! She speaks with a refined British accent, yes? And who could blame her, not me. I am now heartily ashamed for thinking all those bad thoughts about such a tortured soul who was just lashing out in a very understandable manner. Zucchini foliage: Very large broad leaves on 2 foot stems. The edible part comes out at the base, parallel to the stems, all the same green. Basically, you have to wade through the leaves, getting all scratched and reach down, among the bugs and wrench off the goodies.

Mojavi- I can certainly see the pixies as culprits. I have heard that they, too, have very sharp teeth.

Rozanne- Maybe some answers are just not knowable. It took nearly a whole roll of paper towels to clean the goo and get the floor non-slippery, and I am a miser when it comes to the use of paper towels. On the plus side, the whole floor under the area is now clean. Go me!

Stacy- OOOOH! That reminds me! I once caught the sock being sucked through the back of the dryer, where the barrel connects with the back. It was literally being pulled out through the seam! I grabbed and wrenched it free. Fortunately, the dryer was at a place we were staying at, not ours. Ours is not too bad, stealing one or two a year. That one made off with 3 socks before I caught it in the act.

Gerah- Isn't it amazing?!? I am told that I ate like a snake (one massive feeding a day) as a youth, but I was about 10 years older when that happened.

Teri- Yes! That DOES explain much. I like the idea of sneaking my scary-huge cucumbers and zucchini into the school trash bins. They can then become monsters lurking there and confirm the fears of the kiddies. You can write the screenplay, in your vast amounts of free time, of course. Hey, it's not like you are used to sleeping, anyway. The nutritional value of crayons and boogers must be quite high. Perhaps they should be packed as emergency rations for mountain climbers.

Jamie- I know! I go out at least once a day and still they escape. I generally pick them very small, too, so if I miss one once or twice, it should only be "normal" sized when caught. Yellow crook-necked squash are going in next year. They make off colored cucumbers? This I gotta see. I even trellis mine, so the cukes are easier to find, hanging down, but still...

9:22 AM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Would have commented last night but the computer was being stupid.

1) Because inanimate objects are trying to take over the world. Think about it. How often have you put your pen down, only to find it has disappeared and is not found until much later in the exact spot where you left it? Or how you can turn your back on your room for a moment and suddenly the paths start shrinking and there is stuff trying to trip you and oh, maybe I should just clean my room.

2. I don't garden so I can't answer this question so I will give you a question of my own. Why does my cat love Keem more than me? Is it because of the wet food that she gives him? Is it because her "shelf" is larger than mine and gives him more area to knead? What could it be?

3. Because, when you need to defend your home against the enemy, you can put up the zucchini barriers.

4. I don't know. I didn't go through that phase. I went through the "I will only eat one type of food for the next three weeks" phase that drove my mom crazy. Such as the time that all I would eat was grilled cheese sandwiches or, at another time, peanut butter, bologna and radishes.

Hope this will help. Know that it won't. I was so glad to see a new post. I was going through Diana withdrawals!

1:48 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Dana- Kiss (right cheek), kiss (left cheek). Johnny says we must practice our Portie kissing, right? Using the zucchini for home defense! Brilliant! Obviously we don't have house elves, maybe anti-house elves? Why does Eddie love Keem most? Simple. Because he is a cat and cats will always choose to go to "the other". He would be happiest if Keem hated cats. If that were the case, he wouldn't even deign to let you tickle his chin on alternate Tuesdays. I think it is because he knows he HAS you. After all, you are his person. Keem is not and therefore he will spend his energies, such as they are, on keeping her in the love. Phucking cats. (yes, I am a sucker for them, damn their purring ways)

2:12 PM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

"Phucking cats" - oooh, I've infected you, yey!!!

Actually not sure abt her accent - but she lisps a bit, of that i'm sure.

Carry on w the kissing, v well done.

3:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How do you grow zuccinis? I have tried and failed. Our church, in its caring, loving wisdom has asked for excess produce to be brought in and shared with one and all. That is, all produce, except zuccinis. I feel so "picked" on.

Ole RF

4:43 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

It's not just the babies in my house that don't sleep, it's damn near everyone...

I am green with envy at all your sleep.

11:46 PM  
Blogger K said...

Di - have no clue about any of those bothersome household dilemmas, but as a former giant eater, i can safely answer #4: so that the grandparents can each feed the baby as much as they like for as long as they like, at every meal.

further: so that the grandparents can experience the joy of pushing food on the little ones, and/or exclaim at the vast and miraculous quantities of food that the little one is consuming, and/or how big the little one is getting (see also: 'sooOOOo big!' game).

Or perhaps she, like me, has the benefit of a Giant Expanding Stomach. Later in life, this will provide her with an excellent party trick: stuffing oneself with no immediate waistline consequences.

1:47 AM  
Blogger Diana said...

Dad- Out here, the zucchini grow as weeds, only the evil bugs keep them down. Once, again, verily I will preach the gospel: Build thee thy raised beds and filleth them with horse shit. For ever and ever, world without end. Amen. History has proven that, no matter how you try to enrich that rocky land of yours, no seed will grow. You must start over and build on the rubble.

K- Dear sister, I say to you, "Hah!" I once had such a stomach. It still holds vast quantities of the food but no longer on the inside. Pooch, pouch, pop! Out it goes. Don't say you weren't warned, love. Now, when do you leave for England? (psst- everybody, K is spending her Freshman year in England studying at a castle. Check out her blog if you are interested.)

Teri- Don't hate me because I am a beautiful sleeper. Actually, have been up since 4am as Sara came in and wanted to "Snuggle, Mommy?" I am such a sucker.

8:48 AM  
Blogger HomeFireBlue said...

One word: GREMLINS!

(that was the answer to #1 by the way)

What I wanna know is, did you do the thrifty thing and empty the spilled goo into the washer and do a load? I would have done. (I would have also gotten said goo all over my house and washer in the process but THATS NOT THE POINT!)

-Blue (who wishes she'd written something as purty as Lioness did *whine*)

2:08 PM  
Blogger HomeFireBlue said...

Sorry ... forgot something:

Tell me how in the hell you get your kids to EAT?! Mine eat roughly the equivilent of a gnat's weight per meal.


2:10 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Blue- Welcome! And no one writes as purty as The Lioness. (smack!) Gremlins. Now why didn't I think of that? Our old nemeses when I was growing up. There you go. I actually did think of sopping the blue goo up with a couple of towels and then saving them for laundry day but it just seemed so very messy. I had just finished the marathon wash-o-rama 12 hours ago and even the sheets and towels were clean. That's why I knew it was no accident. Actually, only Sara eats and only certain meals each day. For some reason, she loves her plant materials. I think it is just to tease her brother. To be fair, Colin has been eating noticibly better since having his appendix removed. Go figure. Still quite the picky little kid, though.

7:23 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

Is that all I have to do to get my kids to eat? Have their appendixes (or is that appendici?) removed? That's it! Major abdominal surgery cures picky eating. Now if only their doctor was on board. Heh, heh, just kidding. I totally freaked out when Squeaker had to have x-rays last winter. Don't think I would deal with surgery well.

5:40 PM  

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