Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Haikus For Stupid Pets

The cast of characters: Molly--70 lb (30kg) 2 year old German Shepherd Dog, and Madison--5 lb (2.5 kg) 2 year old cat. Both born within weeks and on the same farm as each other.





Oh, you stupid duo.
Worse than brothers and sisters,
At least in our house.

First, YOU. Dog. Yes. You.
What the hell were you thinking?
The small cat is armed.

Don't you corner her
and piss her off. Just DON'T. You
get what you deserve.

And YOU. Cat. Yes, you.
Those claws of yours don't retract
When hooked to the nub.

Mrararo! (Caterwalling)
Hnnnnnnnnnnnnn! (Dogerwalling) I turn.
Dog has grown a beard?

Dangling from both jowels,
All 10 claws sunk in her face,
Deep as they can go.

A foot off the ground,
Mad is, swinging back and forth,
While Mol shakes her head.

That fails, so Mol takes
her paw, slides it down Mad's arm,
to her throat and pulls.

Now Kitty's choking
and swinging and driving her
claws in even deeper.

(Dammit! Once again,
the camera's at the other
end of the whole house.)

With a large sigh, I
cross the kitchen and try to
disengage the cat.

Sadly, she's sunk in
so deeply that I can't back
her claws from Mol's face.

After much wrestling,
I close my eyes and riiiiiiiiip them
out of Molly's cheeks.

Cat is mad.
Dog is sad.
I have had
enough.



Pictures for you





(Yes, this is an old picture but it fits.)

Labels: ,

20 Comments:

Blogger Mother of Invention said...

And of course, they kind of look innocent here! As long as neither bled to death or it didn't involve a trip to the V-E-T's (spoken very quietly!)I guess it's okay.
So true of the camera! Never within reach!

Great haikis!

1:04 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Oh poor doggy!

(and to think I used to be a cat person.... sigh)

I hope everyone survived well enough? your nerves included?

Great haikis!

Karen

3:12 PM  
Blogger Jocelyn said...

I wish I were teaching your poetry this semester instead of Gerard Manley Hopkins and his pretentious "sprung rhyme."

You, at least, make sense.

And make me laugh.

3:31 PM  
Anonymous Christie said...

OMG that is possibly the best "pissed off cat" expression I've ever seen. And how can you manage to use both caterwallig and dogerwalling in a haiku? I bow to you oh brilliant one.

8:30 PM  
Blogger Ambitious Blonde said...

Kitty? Is puh-ISSED.

Also, I want to learn to duplicate that particular expression for use during my non-compliant patient lectures. :)

9:51 PM  
Blogger Sweet Irene said...

I feel so sorry for your dog, imagine having a cat stuck on your face with ten claws!

We have three cats and a dog and luckily have been spared scenes like that. The dog growls at the cats sometimes and the cats give the dog all the space he needs. They respect him. He is a cocker spaniel, maybe that is why. They are just ordinary run of the mill cats. There is a hierarchy.

We had the cats before we had the dog, so by all reason, the cats have the oldest rights, but the dog thinks otherwise and sees them as his somewhat tolerated subjects.

10:31 PM  
Blogger Rozanne said...

That photo perfectly illustrates the haiku. Kitty looks very very very pissed off!

10:45 PM  
Blogger Lauren said...

OH....

OW....

8:16 AM  
Anonymous Kate W. said...

Damn you make me laugh! except your Haiku brought back horrible memories of my vet tech days where my arm (or leg or back) were Molly's head... O.U.C.H....

9:43 AM  
Blogger Wanderlust Scarlett said...

That photo is perfect!
Madison looks like she loathes the dog, and Molly looks blissfully ignorant.

The haiku poem story is genius... but the photo makes me wonder about you writing a whole national lampoons disastrous funny tale (tail?) about these two and their shenanigans...

Madison looks like she is plotting in that picture... unbeknownst to poor Molly...

What fun!
Missed coming by.

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

4:40 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Ruth- Thankfully, no VET!!! trips (see how wantonly I shout it?).

Karen- You'd think she'd learn, but nooooooooo.

Jocelyn- Oh god. Flashing back to the wretched GMH in high school English class taught by Sister Helena (for some reason, we had a Catholic nun teaching in our public school. She was nice but so very much the stereotype of the elderly nun.). We had to memorize a poem and recite it for her. I chose Lewis Carroll's "Jabberwocky" as a way to combat some of the bad stuff. I can still recite it, so I guess there's that.

Christie- I love that photo, especially when paired with the one that preceeds it of the cat on her hind legs arms out, claws bared, dog snarling. Damn siblings.

Melissa- So verrrrry pus-ISSED. Feel free to blow up the photo, cut it out and hold it over your face as a mask if it helps.

Irene- Trust me. The dog deserved it. Pet heirarchys fascinate me. Here, the cat rules. Marginally. Mostly because the dog is a loveable, submissive goof. Smart, but still a goof.

Rozanne- Some days I think I could make a living by following the two of them around, shooting pictures and turning them into posters with stupid sayings.

Lauren- Yeah. Although for some reason, having 10 cat claws didn't seem to bother Molly like you'd think. She was all happy after a minute or so, while Mad-Kitty bore a grudge for quite a while. Cats.

Kate- Ooch! I bet you still have the scars to prove it. Molly sympathizes.

Scarlett!- We've missed you! I'm remembering that in the original post that I used that and it's companion photo in, I did something a little like that. Rest assurred, Mad IS plotting her revenge, and took it when the dog was blissfully dozing.

9:20 PM  
Blogger Cagey said...

I am impressed they even interact!! I would love to have a dog but fear that we would never see our kitty Vanessa. Truly, she is what keeps me from getting a dog.

10:05 PM  
Blogger Dumdad said...

Excellent! Encore!

11:26 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

I have the greatest admiration for anyone who can tell such a gripping story entirely in haiku. You are amazing.

7:47 AM  
Blogger listie said...

OMG - I'm laughing so hard I choked on my tea!

8:47 AM  
Blogger Coffee-Drinking Woman said...

What listie said. "Dogerwalling" set me off, and I haven't stopped yet.

11:13 PM  
Blogger Diana said...

Cagey- We found the cat because she had chosen to live in the room with the 12 rowdy, enormous puppies rather than out on the porch with the other barn cats. I figured a cat like that was either brain damaged or had the soul of a lion. She has the latter. I'll have to write the tale of Booger-Kitty and Maia-Dog for Vanessa. It's a tale with a happy ending after self-imprisonment and terror.

Dumdad- You're too kind!

Jen- Aw, there's nuttin' easier than writing bad haiku.

Listie- Careful, there. Tracheal tea scalds can be painful.

Teri- But then you're really tired and anything is funny when you're really tired...

7:14 AM  
Blogger PixelPi said...

Poor Molly. I have 3 cats and feel her pain. And that is one angry cat in the photo. Those ears say it all. I bet her tail was twitching too. Great haiku story, too. I couldn't resist smiling all the way through.

2:59 PM  
Blogger Teresa said...

PixiePi couldn't resist smiling and I couldn't resist winching! I was expecting a Vet reference somewhere towards the end of the haiku. Lucky for Molly and even luckier for you, no Vet attention was needed.

3:08 PM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Believe me, haikus are not easy to write! I've tried them and I'm horrid at them. I love how well you write them, you are so brilliant!

Poor Molly! Silly, silly Molly for thinking this is a good idea.

I had a cat once who loved to sink her teeth into my arm and grab onto it with her paws as well. While I was petting her. She was such a little sweetheart (yes, thisis sarcasm).

6:20 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home